Cat Rainwater

The United States of Cat

I would describe my life as on the rocks with lots of salt to rub into the wounds. My adult life has gone like this: graduated from HS, got married, had The Girl, got divorced, work & school, school & work, married, divorced, freak out because The Girl is now 18 and going on to college, moved in with The Man, about to move out of the city I have lived in for the past 33 years and now writing instead of working in a soul killing cubicle farm. Oh yeah- and if the rest of this crazy cocktail isn’t enough to send me over the WTF ledge- I turn 40 in August. Nope- no stress causing life events here. It's all been perfectly peachy with a dash of Jack Daniel's. Shaken. And not gently.

 

Can it get ugly on my blog and in my head- indeed. There seems to be several of me bumping around in there and arm wrestling each other to get out. Mostly blunt, brutally honest me beats the fuck out of the others and comes out of my mouth blazing revolvers loaded with cuss words and wickedly sharp smack downs. I like it this way because that night in the emergency room when blood pressure tried to kill me- I promised I would live out loud and without a filter. I bet Karma is rethinking that “let her live” decision now! I totally embrace that life is about the messy stuff more than it is about the easy stuff. At least the other nut cases out there will know they are not alone. That I am that one place in the world that will tell it like it is and not blow sunshine and cupcakes up your ass. I say what is on my mind, out loud, knowing any one of you could get butt hurt and never come back to my blog. That’s a gamble I am willing to take if it means I get to be true to me.

There’s also part of me that is freaking the fuck out because I am turning forty. Forty. How the hell did that happen so quickly? As if just that number isn’t a tragic turn of events- there are physical changes turning against me also. If I could draw worth a damn- I would sketch me with highlighting foils in my hair, green avocado mask on my face, duct tape holding my boobies up right while wearing a pair of clavicle to mid thigh Spanx. With fabulous, gravity defying hooker shoes of course! Captaining this crazy train ride is Mother Nature – which makes this a tragic accident waiting to happen because she seems to have lost the ability to navigate a calendar much less a map to Perfectville. Why is she trying to keep me on this WTF ride? I guess I should just be grateful that I’m not pregnant.

 I should warn you that I am a Leo, which makes me these things: bossy, patronizing, egotistical, materialistic, over-dramatic, argumentative and intolerant. It also makes me these things: fun loving, dignified, passionate, affectionate, loyal, independent, creative, protective and faithful. And I am always right. I am OCD- "Organized in Case of Disaster". My shoes are lined up like little soldiers, my underwear drawer is sectioned off by type and color and my pantry has all of the cans turned forward. I know where my shit is at all times just in case Glenn Beck is right- and the world is about to end. Or we are invaded by zombies. I know where my gun is and I can easily find the right ensemble, survivor food and stilettos in case either of those happens. I will respect your thoughts and beliefs but if you don't show me the same courtesy, I will set you on fire and blog about you. And use your real name. You have been warned.

I hope you will go to my blog, http://howtoskinnyacat.blogspot.com, to read along and vote for me to be the 2011 Blogger Idol....I know, I know shameless self promotion. I told you that I am high maintenance and a Leo and possibly have multi personalities. Shameless, blunt, egotistical and vulnerable don’t even begin to cover the united states of me.

Judges Comments:

"Oh Cat. I love you. I love they way that I can almost just see you sitting on the other end of the couch from me, chatting, as I read your post. I think that I kind of write the same way (like I'm talking to someone). But there were several sentences in this post, and even sometimes on your blog, where I have to go back and re-read them, so that I can understand what you mean. I went back and looked, wondering if like, adding a comma or something would help, and really, it wouldn't.....lol. So, I don't really know what my point is, but I just thought I should bring it up."
-Heather, from My Husband Ate All My Ice Cream

"God I hate being the Simon sometimes. The three things that threw me away from this post the most:

1) Huge pics spacing out the paragraphs. They just weren't placed right and made the post seem way longer than it would have been without them all.

2) Dropping the F-Bomb in your introduction to complete strangers. In writing (more specifically in blogging), you are always trying to gain the next reader. Not taking into consideration that people may click X quickly is a risk.

3) "Threatening" those you are just meeting. You want people to like you, not be afraid of you.

Now that you want to know my real name and set me on fire on your blog (John from The DaddyYo Blog and fire at will if you really want) I do have this to say: This post did tell me about who you are and your wit, humor, and sarcasm, seem to come naturally. Use it (and less pics) to try to win the readers, and you will last this out. "
-The Dude, from The Daddyyo Blog  

"I have to admit that while DaddyYo has some points, the real thing that threw me was the picture positioning. Not the pictures themselves. They were an awesome touch. From now on, be sure to put the pictures inline, either left or right.

As to the other things he mentioned, I disagree. I think it came off naturally, and being of the same sort of ilk in person I totally 'grocked' what you were saying.

However, when it comes to blogging in a competition you do have to consider your audience. If this post was only on your blog, then you go girl! For a competition, it is a little foot forward and you might want to draw it back a bit until you get a feel for the reception by the audience.

Last thing you want to do is write your way right out of the competition.

Other than that, great post."
-Allison, from SVALLIE.NET: The Nerd Connection