What would I do with boobs for a day?
Other than play with them…a lot? It might not be one of the eternal questions…like last week’s..but it’s still interesting. I think the core question at the heart of this inquiry is…would all men in that situation just become total whores? Or would any of them leave their rooms at all? What with all those cool new lady parts to play with…
Puzzling…Stop. Let me reach out into the ether a bit…stretch out my mind to the possibilities…
 |
| Could I rock it? |
I guess, if I woke up as a woman tomorrow…I’d call the news…but beyond that…
I don’t know…there are so many questions…would I go out and buy the Leia Slave Girl outfit…would I be able to pull it off? Would I be too “hippy?” How big would my butt be?
OH MY GOD!
I care about how big my butt is now! What am I going to do? The changes are coming swift.
These shoes are awesome...I have such tiny feet!
Oh wait...what was that?
I do fart. I just fart like a ninja.
This is so weird.
Wow, I have an uncontrollable urge...to control everything! I'm like Dr. Doom, but with tits.
 |
| The new me? |
I turn around, there's a guy on the other side of the room...my husband? Oh shit...that's me. Or me as me? Or my wife as me? Ugh, this is so confusing.
Now wait a minute...that guy? I married that guy? Did he drug me? Have I been roofied for the last 14 frickin' years? Oh my God!
Now wait a minute...that guy? I married that guy? Did he drug me? Have I been roofied for the last 14 frickin' years? Oh my God!
What a dork! Why'd I marry that geek? I'm never letting that guy touch my tits ever again...In fact...I'm never letting any dude touch my tits again...I feel like Daffy Duck in the cave of wonders..."They're mine, mine, mine! All mine!""WHAT?" the husband grumbles at me from across the room.
"What?" I reply.
"You were giving me a dirty look."
"I was not." But this gives me an idea. I stop and then I give him an alluring look. Stare him all the way up and down.
"What?" He says in a much nicer tone and takes a step toward me.
"Nothing." I turn away from him. I HAVE MIND CONTROL POWERS! This is so sweet!
I try to find something in my closet to show off these kick-ass tits! I start pushing hangers around. Nope, don't like that. That doesn't look good. Maybe this, no...it's before labor day (Did I really just think about Labor fucking day while trying to get dressed...I need a drink...maybe some wine...it's only eight o'clock in the morning...) How can I have so many clothes and nothing to wear?I go downstairs.
There's the Goob sitting on the couch watching TV...I'm surprised she's up at all. It's summer, isn't it?
"Wow, mom, you really need to do something about your hair," she says to me....grrrrr.
"Well, you need to do something about those shorts. They make your ass look like a pair of Beluga Whales." Oh my God...did I say that out loud? I didn't even think about it....I am so grumpy.
She huffs at me and goes back to doing whatever she's doing on her laptop now. Apparently it didn't phase her that much.
So I go into the bathroom, because I guess I've got to do something with my hair and that's when I see them...like a hundred tools for doing hair...how am I supposed to use all this crap? What am I a fucking rocket scientist? There's a curler, a blower, a crimper, a....who know's what that is...
And all this makeup shit...so I have to be an engineer AND an artist? Maybe a chemist too...I don't know what to do with all this crap...but I try...because I'm supposed to....
And while I'm in the middle of all this the boy comes running in.
"I have to use the bathroom." So I step out and he goes in and I start to wonder why it feels like my skin is starting to crawl and I'm just getting...madder and madder. Then the boy comes out of the bathroom.
"I want salami for breakfast," he says as he blows by me.
"Well, I want.." But I don't know what I want. I want everything and nothing at the same time...and I'm confused and GODDAMMIT MAN, WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME?
"Are you OK?" The husband asks as he passes by me, barely touching my shoulder.
I grunt at him and head back into the bathroom to finish "getting ready."
"Get Noah some salami," I call out to the husband.
I come out of the bathroom, thinking I've finished prepping myself for the day.
The Goob passes me on her way to the kitchen, "Way to rock that hooker look, mom."
If I could make her head explode with my mind, I would. Maybe I just need coffee.
I get a cup down out of the cupboard and the boy comes in again. Something on the little kitchen TV catches my eye...a baby...or a puppy...or a baby with a puppy and a melancholy song...I feel like I'm going to cry...fuck you, Hallmark!
"I need my salami!" the boy beckons at me, not knowing how close to death he's coming. DON'T POKE THE BEAR, BOY!
"What do you mean? Didn't your dad get you your salami?" the rage is building up inside of me...like the hulk...but I'm blinking away the green eyes...what is wrong with me?
And then it hits me...like a sharp knife to the gut. OWWWWW! Is this what cramps feel like?
Dammit! Just my luck, I become a chick for one hour and I'm already on my period! I need drugs and wine and...I don't know...chocolate maybe? I don't care what time it is!
What would I do if I was a woman for a day? I'd cry...maybe hide in a closet curled up under old sheets and blankets and hiss at anyone that came within three feet of the closet door.
I don't know how they do it...and smile...ever...
--Dad v. Autism
"after the first read though there was so much i had to go back and read a second time to make sure i got it all. it was funny, but my eyes just wanted to scroll past the words and just look at the pictures and move on.
keep it simple maybe smaller or less pictures next time to keep people in the writing.
overall good job! :) "
Erica, from Good Job Momma
"There is a lot going on in this post but I think the confusion kind of works because really, if I woke up as the opposite sex for a day and had to figure it out for the first time, it would indeed be confusing and chaotic. The pictures, while funny, did draw my eyes a bit from the internal dialogue so I would have to go back and find my spot so maybe streamline the layout a bit going forward. Good stuff though! "
Random Girl, from Random Girl Blog
"I think it's the Mom in me, but I got to where you called your daughter's ass a pair of Beluga whales and stopped. It was fairly funny, except the word 'tits' running through it, until then. I don't know one mother who would say that to their kid, grumpy or not. Complete turn off to read after that.
The pictures are eye catching but are a bit too large for the post, and too many are bunched together. Pick a few favorites next time instead of so many. "
T. Rojas, from Motherhood: The Definition of Insanity
"Wow, mom, you really need to do something about your hair," she says to me....grrrrr.
"Well, you need to do something about those shorts. They make your ass look like a pair of Beluga Whales." Oh my God...did I say that out loud? I didn't even think about it....I am so grumpy.
She huffs at me and goes back to doing whatever she's doing on her laptop now. Apparently it didn't phase her that much.So I go into the bathroom, because I guess I've got to do something with my hair and that's when I see them...like a hundred tools for doing hair...how am I supposed to use all this crap? What am I a fucking rocket scientist? There's a curler, a blower, a crimper, a....who know's what that is...
And all this makeup shit...so I have to be an engineer AND an artist? Maybe a chemist too...I don't know what to do with all this crap...but I try...because I'm supposed to....
And while I'm in the middle of all this the boy comes running in.
"I have to use the bathroom." So I step out and he goes in and I start to wonder why it feels like my skin is starting to crawl and I'm just getting...madder and madder. Then the boy comes out of the bathroom.
"I want salami for breakfast," he says as he blows by me.
"Well, I want.." But I don't know what I want. I want everything and nothing at the same time...and I'm confused and GODDAMMIT MAN, WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME?
"Are you OK?" The husband asks as he passes by me, barely touching my shoulder.
I grunt at him and head back into the bathroom to finish "getting ready."
"Get Noah some salami," I call out to the husband.
I come out of the bathroom, thinking I've finished prepping myself for the day.
The Goob passes me on her way to the kitchen, "Way to rock that hooker look, mom."
If I could make her head explode with my mind, I would. Maybe I just need coffee.
I get a cup down out of the cupboard and the boy comes in again. Something on the little kitchen TV catches my eye...a baby...or a puppy...or a baby with a puppy and a melancholy song...I feel like I'm going to cry...fuck you, Hallmark!
"I need my salami!" the boy beckons at me, not knowing how close to death he's coming. DON'T POKE THE BEAR, BOY!
"What do you mean? Didn't your dad get you your salami?" the rage is building up inside of me...like the hulk...but I'm blinking away the green eyes...what is wrong with me?And then it hits me...like a sharp knife to the gut. OWWWWW! Is this what cramps feel like?
Dammit! Just my luck, I become a chick for one hour and I'm already on my period! I need drugs and wine and...I don't know...chocolate maybe? I don't care what time it is!
What would I do if I was a woman for a day? I'd cry...maybe hide in a closet curled up under old sheets and blankets and hiss at anyone that came within three feet of the closet door.
I don't know how they do it...and smile...ever...
--Dad v. Autism
"after the first read though there was so much i had to go back and read a second time to make sure i got it all. it was funny, but my eyes just wanted to scroll past the words and just look at the pictures and move on.
keep it simple maybe smaller or less pictures next time to keep people in the writing.
overall good job! :) "
Erica, from Good Job Momma
"There is a lot going on in this post but I think the confusion kind of works because really, if I woke up as the opposite sex for a day and had to figure it out for the first time, it would indeed be confusing and chaotic. The pictures, while funny, did draw my eyes a bit from the internal dialogue so I would have to go back and find my spot so maybe streamline the layout a bit going forward. Good stuff though! "
Random Girl, from Random Girl Blog
"I think it's the Mom in me, but I got to where you called your daughter's ass a pair of Beluga whales and stopped. It was fairly funny, except the word 'tits' running through it, until then. I don't know one mother who would say that to their kid, grumpy or not. Complete turn off to read after that.
The pictures are eye catching but are a bit too large for the post, and too many are bunched together. Pick a few favorites next time instead of so many. "
T. Rojas, from Motherhood: The Definition of Insanity
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