I want to suck your blood (but I'm watching my weight)

I am just your average wife and mother living with my average American nuclear family. However, I am sure that the neighbors have noticed that we are a little bit different (we don't socialize much since we really prefer to stay indoors). But, in reality, the only major difference between us and everyone else on the block is that we're vampires. There, I said it. Big deal. We still put our pants on one wing at a time.

Our house is just as hectic as anyone else's. Take the morning for example. It is so hard to get the kids up and moving. They would so much rather sleep during the day than at night. They just keep hanging there from the rafters pleading "Five more minutes, Mom!" All the while, I stand there yelling "Come down from there, get dressed and go brush your fangs!" It is so hard to get them to brush and floss! Seriously, if we lose one more pediatric dentist to accidents while filling their fangs, we'll be in big trouble.

Finally, they come down for breakfast complaining that they want to watch their favorite TV show, because "it's a new one." I explain to them that "The Munsters" has been around since I was little, and it's never a new one. But, nice try. Besides, the last thing I need is for my son to learn tricks from that crafty little vampire Eddie.

The kids are fighting, as usual. I swear, sometimes they just suck the lifeblood out of me. I have to yell: "For the last time, stop biting your brother!" I pour them each a bowl of Count Chocula. While they eat, I brew a giant pot of blood (which, interestingly, is the only thing that gets MY blood flowing in the mornings). I make the kids' lunches, and they remind me again: "No garlic chips Mom!"  Why do I buy those things? I know they're bad for us, but they taste so good!

From upstairs I hear hubby shouting: "Honey, where's my cape?" I yell back "I don't know, check your coffin!" (Why do men always have to ask their wives where things are before they even look?).  He responds "I looked there, and I can't find it". "So, check the hamper in the cave!" I holler back.

I then remind my son that he is to be on his best behavior today. No more charging the other kids 25 cents to see him turn into a bat. If he does it again, we will revoke his blood sucking privileges until high school. Also, when they get home from school today, I expect them to clean up their rooms. Uncle Drac is coming for a visit this weekend, and their rooms look like filthy bat caves.

I pour hubby a cup of freshly brewed blood before he appears in the kitchen. His doctor keeps telling him that he needs to be on blood thinners to avoid a stroke, but he is stubborn and refuses to take medication. So, I discreetly throw a Plavix One-A-Day for Vampires tablet in his cup.

When hubby flies downstairs, he is complaining that his cape is wrinkled from being in the hamper. He says it needs to be ironed and while I'm at it, a button needs to be sewn back on. I tell him "Look, when I married you, I agreed to locate all the blood for meals and to keep a dark house, but you know I draw the line at ironing. And you can sew your own button."  He storms off in a huff while I try to apply my makeup (which is not easy since I don't have a reflection in the mirror). I do it by touch.

Then the kids put on their dark sunglasses and sunscreen and we send them off to school. It's a good thing we live in the northeast where it's gray and cloudy most days. We don't tolerate the sunlight very well. I quickly remind them to avoid bright lights and not to let other kids see their reflections (or lack thereof) in front of any mirrors. "We know Mom! How many times do you have to tell us?," they ask.

Before hubby and I fly off to our respective jobs (mine as a bloodsucking lawyer and his in construction of underground tunnels), he reminds me to go easy on the bloodsucking today so I don't make myself sick. I assure him that I will keep it to a minimum since I'm counting Weight Watchers points this week. I ask him "Didn't you forget something?" and he gives me a little nick on my neck before transforming into a bat and flying off.

See...what did I tell you? We're just like any other average American family.

http://www.mommyinlaw.com/


 Judges Comments:

"You really immersed yourself in this week's assignment, I think every vamp cliche' is accounted for in this. It sounds like things run very much like any other family, arguments, bickering kids, and all."
Random Girl, from Random Girl Blog

"I will give a double high five for this post as long as you promise not to turn me afterwards. Great job! That is all."
The Dude, from The DaddyYo Blog

"Love it. Typical family drama, bickering, and snarking. I think you nailed the assignment without going completely overboard. Nice work!"
Amy, from Non-Stop Mom