Turkey Divorce Court

Forever 51

One day the deposition is going to look like this:

Lawyer :  Ok now Mrs. Paine, can you tell me exactly how Thanksgiving day went this year? And If I need to, I may need to ask additional questions for clarification, will that be okay with you?

Me:  Yes

Princess HopsAlot at Thanksgiving....

Lawyer :  Then, let’s get started. Tell me how the morning of November 25^th went, starting with when you woke up.

Me:  Ok. Well, I usually wake up around 8 when the alarm isn’t set.  That is, if BC (my husband) has not snored all night.  Anyway, I went downstairs to prepare mom and mine's  favorite part of the holiday which we call the ‘Thanksgiving smell.’  It consists of sautéing cut onion, butter and celery in a pot then adding chicken broth, a bay leaf and the leafy tops of the celery.  Oh, and you add the chicken parts from the bag inside the bird, the neck, and other innerds cut up. And simmer it for a couple of hours.  It makes the smell that my family most loves on thanksgiving.  Except that BC absolutely hates that smell.

Lawyer :  So let me get this right.  You make the smell, BC hates it.  Does he say anything?

ME:  Well, yes, he came downstairs and as is tradition, sarcastically says, “What IS that fucking smell?”  It just really pisses me and my mom off.

Lawyer :  This ‘smell’.  You do this every year?

Me:  Yes.  We have been married for 24 years and I do it every year and every year he makes a crack about it.  My mom has made it every year that I can remember, too.  You absolutely can NOT have Thanksgiving without it.  In my opinion.

Lawyer :  Ok.  Can you tell me what else you did that day?

Me:  We watch the Macy’s parade, football and sometimes go to a movie.  We get the turkey ready to go in to the oven.  We usually put it in the oven about 4 o’clock.

Lawyer :  Was there anything different about the way you cooked it this year?

Me:  Well, BC decided he wanted to brine the turkey all the night before so he did that, then he really rocked the boat when he said he was going to use the convection oven to cook it to make the time shorter.  At this point, my mom wasn’t happy, nor did me or her believe that a turkey done in a convection oven would be as good.  We have ALWAYS done the turkey the regular way—you know, 4-6 hours in the oven.  Loving the smell of that too, and getting the rest of the food ready.

Lawyer :  So after the turkey was ready, what happened then?

Me:  Mom and I got the bird out of the oven.  We let it rest.  She still wasn’t convinced that it was done so she had my dad carve into it-and this really got BC fired up.  Then my dad decided to make the giblet gravy.  And mom started on him about the gravy-not thick enough, not hot enough—they do this EVERY YEAR-and at this point BC was about to kill everybody.

Lawyer :  Do your parents fight every year over the gravy?

Me:  Of course – it’s the highlight of the day.  We call it Turkey Divorce Court.  Mom bugs dad about how he is making the gravy and he gives her the evil eye. They pick at each other the whole time he is making it. Hell, they’ve been married 50 years and they ALWAYS do this—typical turkey day in our house. So, between me and BC fighting over the smell and my mom and dad having it out over the gravy, it gets a little tense.  But, it’s tradition.

Lawyer:  So, the incident that we are dealing with here—this was because of the smell and the gravy?

Me:  Of course, I couldn't stop myself.  I believe that BC is Thanksgiving impaired.  He was getting on all of our nerves.  We have been doing this for 24 years, I couldn't take his snarking anymore. So I locked him in his man cave.  And I forgot that he was down there.  For a couple of weeks.  I ignored the texts. The banging on the door.  So when the police showed up and he was malnourished, I figure I had some explaining to do.  I told them he had been sickened from salmonella from the turkey.  They didn't believe me.  

Lawyer:  You do know, Mrs. Paine, that the penalty for this could be time in jail?

Me:  Yes sir, I do.  But it’s worth it.  I will defend my family turkey tradition with every bone in my body.  And besides, in jail, I get three squares, my own room, and reading material.  So who is crazy now?

From the Judges:

I love your creative take on this! It was an awesome way to tell the story. There were a few... well... I don't want to call them errors, but let's just say that there were some variations in your grammar that weren't exactly proper. But I think that it really gave it your 'voice'. Overall, I really loved the post though!
-Tessa Taboo

It wasn't a "traditional" way of going about it, but it worked. I probably would have left the last line off... It's almost unnecessary. You had a different idea in mind and it worked... Good job.
-Daddy's in Charge?

I really liked the way you wrote this post. Definitely a different take on the assignment, and I really appreciated having something a little different to read.
I thought "the smell" was very funny! I have a sneaking suspicion that it would be an excellent recipe and step-by-step tutorial on your blog.
-The Spaghetti Westerner

You used a very creative way to tell your story.  I noticed some inconsistency in terms of tenses. Perhaps trying to stick with one tense would be more effective. There were also a couple of errors that aren't really glaring but can make your piece even better if corrected ("nor did me" should be "nor did I", etc.). But I like the "presentation". Great job!
-Bay Area Mommy

You took a novel approach to this assignment, which is risky and totally commendable; however, it didn't work for me. The tradition is there, but so much of this post seems fictional that it was difficult to discern what's actually part of your tradition and what's not. I also had a difficult time getting past the grammatical errors.
-From The Bungalow

I enjoyed the story and can totally relate, but honestly it was hard for me to follow. I am not sure if it was the back and forth of the conversation, the change in tense, or a mix of both. I commend you on taking a different approach though, very creative!
-You Know It Happens At Your House Too (Guest Judge)