Bird-Women, Unicorn Horns and Are These Boobs?

I'm Ben from MyRadDad

WHAAAA, WHAAAAAAAA! Come on Andi, why do you wake up at 4am every single day? HOLY CRAP ARE THESE BOOBS? And where’s my man bits? Ahh screw it I’m too tired. (Feed kid with new boobs.)

Thank God Andi fell back asleep and managed to sleep past 8am. I tell you what… opening up the breastaurant last night was sweet. Sure beats walking upstairs just to heat up a bottle. 

“Good morning hun.”

“Hi sweety.”

 ”ARE THOSE BOOBS?”

“That’s what I said.”

“Seriously though, are those real?”

“Jealous?”

“…”

“Don’t worry it’s just for a day.”

“Just finish the dishes you said would be done last night and you can grow a unicorn horn and a beak for all I care.” 

After making eggs for one kid, oatmeal for the other and letting the last kid eat a handful of Skittles for breakfast (yes, I make breakfast pretty often, not just today because of the whole I am a woman thing), it’s off to work. 

My employer is going to be pretty upset by this whole change of gender thing. I have a very sensitive relationship with my boss that is built on a thin layer of trust. What most people do not know is that a year ago I was diagnosed with lung cancer. I was given only a few years to live. 

Obviously this was shocking and very difficult news. Well I wasn’t about to leave my family behind with nothing. I decided to team up with someone I knew from high school to manufacture and sell crystal meth to secure my family’s future. 

Wait no… That’s not my life that is the plot of Breaking Bad. 

Well what would you rather hear about, some typical story of a dad and husband who works and does his best to provide an honest living for his, excuse me, her family?

That’s what I thought. You’d be more interested if the crystal meth story were true right? Well to bad, it’s not. Now on to the boring part of the post where I lose the judges and my score gets massacred. 

Actually I work from home. I know what you are thinking… “Awesome! Work from home, what a dream.” To all you dudes thinking this let me paint you a scenario. 

You are home (pause for effect)…  all the time. Each and every time your wife remembers something you should do, should have done or should not have done she is right there to tell you. You’re on the reserve schedule for breakfast chef, lunch chef and dinner chef. The “go ask your father/temporary other mother” is in full effect. [sarcasm] As wonderful as it may sound [/sarcasm] spending all day with your spouse isn’t exactly a dream come true.

My wife actually said to me the other day, “Maybe you should work at your office more. We are around each other too much.”

Sufficed it to say it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

My favorite part of the day is not usually staring at myself in a full body mirror… that is only today.  

The absolute best part of everyday is that one special moment I try to get with my kids. You know the one when they finally fall asleep and the rest of the night is yours.  

Finally, I get to lie on the couch with my wife, who by the way has discovered today that she is attracted to bird-women with unicorn horns, and watch our shows.

Oh crap, did I forget to do the dishes?... Still a man!

From the Judges:

I see a lot of potential in this post. There are good moments, like the conversation with your wife. And the Breaking Bad reference is totally in my wheelhouse. I got a good laugh out of those two things. But I didn't feel you pulled it all together. You jumped around a bit. And needed to build up the drama a little more. People will definitely like you because you're funny and clever. But they'll VOTE for you because you dig deep and are real on top of the funny.

-Daddy Knows Less

Love the humor, but at the same time a lot of this post seemed to be disjointed and broken up too much. I am willing to bet that if you sat down and rewrote this post that you could absolutely wow everyone with it! Nicely done.

-Non-Stop Mom

Love the spousal conversation, the Breaking Bad reference and the stuff about working with your spouse ( I know this one really well). Creative, and I like that you just woke up that way and you're not alarmed at all. I do not see real structure and a flow. You have HUGE potential and I have enjoyed stalking your blog but this piece didn't seem to have an 'all in' from you.

-Honey Badger Press

I sort of feel like you tiptoed around the assignment... It started really good. Then, I feel like it just feel apart. I do see where you were going, and it could have been great. But, I feel like you could have done more with what you were given. Overall, the post is forgettable. Definitely don't think you lived up to your potential on this one.

-Wildflowers & Whimsy

While I knew what you were trying to accomplish with this post, it still fell short for me.
There were some definite funny parts and clever phrases like "breastaurant" that stood out, but there were also some grammatical errors and typos that I had a hard time overlooking.
You really wowed me with your audition post, and I'm starting to be concerned that it was your best work, because the last 2 posts have been less than stellar. I hope you can step it up and give us the quality of work you showed us in your audition.

- Pinwheels and Poppies

This post had a chance to be epic. The first 1/3 was totally on track, and then you got sidelined. Right about where you said you were going to lose the judges, you lost me. If you would have stretched out the conversation and a story about the office as a woman, you would have nailed it.

-Sooperdad Blog of Awesomeness