Most guys would probably stay at home and play with their tits all day. As any woman can tell you, the physical benefits of the female form are incredible, and breasts are among the many
And there are the the psychological benefits that come with being a member of the fairer sex. In the few hours I've been a woman I've never felt more desired. Mostly by men, sure, but who am I to nitpick? It's nice to be noticed! Unfortunately, I couldn't spend the day stand there in the window, posing for passers-by. I am a stay-at-home dad and I have work to do! It's a shame my son is not as easily won over by my new body as the leering perverts in my neighborhood. Quite the opposite, actually.
Ever since I woke up and pulled the kid from his crib - and I do mean pulled; his fingers needed to be pried away from the bars - he keeps screaming. I tried to explain to him that I'm the same dad that feeds him breakfast and hangs out with him every day, except today I just happen to look like a woman for some inexplicable reason. But who was I kidding? He's only two; it doesn't matter what I "try to explain." His brain is mostly mush and "Sesame Street". I'm not Daddy and there's nothing I can do to convince him otherwise. So for the rest of the day I'm just the new babysitter.
As an unemployed stay-at-home dad who's never had much time to worry about how dads are depicted in commercials, terrible sitcoms or in thirty-year-old Michael Keaton movies, I finally understand how irritating it is to be seen as a babysitter, especially by my own son. But rather than scar him with some bizarre puppet show that depicts my overnight transformation into a woman, I'm letting it slide. Just the once.
If only I'd been lucky enough to wake up in my wife's body (then again I'd never get anything done: her neck is RIDONKULOUS). At least I'd reap the benefits of being Mommy, the most immediate of which would be much less screaming. Don't get me wrong, the kid likes Daddy just fine and we have a lot of fun together, but I'm nothing compared to MomandBuried. She's the human equivalent of his lovey.
Of course, being a toddler's favorite person is a double-edged sword: the kid never leaves my wife alone. As depressing as it initially was to not be recognized by my son - my pride and joy; the reason spending the summer being unemployed hasn't been all bad; the once and future king - the fact that he's currently hiding in the bathtub to avoid the strange new woman who keeps using Daddy's weird slang is giving me a lot of time to myself.
Most of which I've been spending caressing my flawless neck. And job hunting, obviously! And writing a few new blog posts, none of which has anything to do with how sexy my new neck is. I swear.
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| Look at the neck on that thing. |
But as a woman I learned a lot about the annoying habits of the local husbands. These ladies are easier to fool than a toddler; I told them I was my wife's sister-in-law and they barely even paused their story about the guy who can only get off after watching "My Little Pony". So much new material with which to terrorize the guys in my fantasy league.
After the playground me and the little guy ran a few errands, like we always do. Except this time when I carried my six-pack of Dogfish Head to the counter I'm pretty sure the clerk was so turned on by my selection that he almost reached completion. What can I say? I'm a beer girl.
When my wife finally got home from work, she took over
We ended up having the most amazing conversation; my new insight into life as a woman really helped us connect. Then we spooned and I agreed to take her to Paris in the spring. It's the most romantic time of year!
I just hope my son is used to the new me by then. I don't care if I'm in a woman's body or a man's; I just can't bear to be a stranger to my son.
From the Judges:
You are flirting with being too long here. But it wasn't. I think what threw me off were your images. They were centered, and I didn't expect as much text after the mask/neck one. Maybe try staggering them on the left and right. (Unless that's a Blogger Idol thing to center them. Then never mind.) But I was happy with what I read. This is one of my favorite posts. You approached some typical guy reactions to being a woman. (Playing with one's own breasts, for example.) But you didn't belabor the point. You were quick and funny. I appreciated the conversation with the playground ladies, and the gossip, and your using it against your fantasy football rivals. Great stuff. And you were funny yet loving towards your wife, which is always a good thing. Great job.
This is great. A little on the long side, but it wasn't rambling. I also appreciated that you moved on from strictly parenting, and touched on your relationship with your wife and the gossip-fest at the playground. Nicely done!
Brilliant, brilliant and brilliant!
I loved this one! Awesome job.
I appreciate the way you approached the topic, but I thought it was a little weird that you were just some random babysitter to your son, yet your wife seemed unfazed by your change in gender. That seemed very inconsistent to me.
I did like the playground banter and the neck comments. Boob comments get old quick.
I also didn't like the way you shifted gears at the very end from the post being humorous and playful to sentimental. It seemed forced to me.
Looking forward to more from you in the future!
I did like the playground banter and the neck comments. Boob comments get old quick.
I also didn't like the way you shifted gears at the very end from the post being humorous and playful to sentimental. It seemed forced to me.
Looking forward to more from you in the future!
Great post. Liked the way you kept your love of necks constant. I didn't think it was long, I thought you outlined your "Day in the life" well. Subtle jabs at the fairer sex are always fun. Good job.
GENERAL: What makes a post too long? All of our assignments seemed to be around the same length, and with no word count, "too long" is a pretty arbitrary criticism. But at least I wasn't rambling!
ReplyDeletePinwheels and Poppies makes a GREAT point. But I think that's at least partially addressed by the comment about being unable to explain it to a toddler; that was meant to imply that I HAD been able to explain it to my wife. I could have been more clear.
More P&P: I know boob comments get old quick, which is why I thought it would be a bit more funny - and maybe refreshing - to choose something else to rhapsodize about. And my wife DOES have a fabulous neck! Also I did try to layer in the sentimental tone throughout, though maybe not enough to make the closing resonate as much as it could have.
Finally, as for the centering of the photos - I use WordPress for my blog, and a while back I moved from embedding the photos within the text to centering them between paragraphs, mostly due to the coding complications. It just carried over here. One of the challenges of this contest for me has been, on top of trying to keep the content in line with the style/tone of my blog, is adjusting the formatting to Blogger.
Thanks for the feedback, always helpful!
Jules: For me, "too long" is an eyeball thing more than anything. Some posts have to be long because of what yo're writing about. I was reading this one and in my mind I thought you were coming to a close building up to the neck photo, then I saw four more paragraphs. Those paragraphs, to me, were very good and I enjoyed them. But often I think readers will stop reading just on looks alone. Nothing you can do about it except write less. Sometimes it's their loss. I do stop reading sometimes at least. I'm glad I didn't here. Now I think this comment is too long.
DeleteOh, certain judges: It's a writing contest, not a font and formatting contest. Le sigh.
ReplyDeleteThe post: I wish you had gone more with the 'spy' aspect of it. Finding out things you wouldn't normally hear could have been comedy gold.
DISAGREE that boob comments can get old. I am sure necks are great, but there are other features that are not boobs that can be focused on. Having said that, I think boobs are proof that a guy can focus on more than one thing at a time.
It's a blogging contest. Writing is a huge part of it. But so is formatting and image placement. We can agree to disagree. But if your post looks like a mess, people won't read it no matter how good the writing is. And they won't come back either. I
DeleteI just looked, and no fewer than 4 other posts had their pictures centered also. Yet you said nothing about the formatting in those posts. Check for yourself. Seems as though formatting is only important to you some of the time. Sorry, but this is really making you look like an inconsistent judge.
DeleteI have to say that I agree with you, Hotspur, about boob comments; but what I meant was in regards to this particular writing assignment. Men saying that they'd spend all day playing with their boobs is something I've heard countless times in the ol' gender swap situation.
ReplyDeleteOf course boobs never get old. They're boobs.