It Was Time To Choose Me

www.martinisandminivans.com

I was curled up in a ball on the bed, tears pouring out of my eyes, begging God, or any other higher power, to give me an answer. It was New Year’s Eve and my husband had just told me that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. He had told me this before, and each time, a few days later, he was back, asking to try again. I believed him every time. This time, however, was different. There wasn’t anything different about what he was saying, the difference was in me. I had a choice to make. Did I believe him again and jump back on to the roller coaster, or did I dare to step away from that life and brave the scary world without him?

As I laid my head on a pillow drenched with tears, I started to fall asleep from exhaustion. I then had a dream that changed everything. In my dream, I was kneeling in my bed, curled up with my head to my chest. I was crying heavily. Then, someone came up behind me and lifted my head up and spread my arms out. With my arms and head up, I breathed a huge breath of air that stopped my crying and gave me a sense of peace. It felt like a breath of life. I never saw who the person was in my dream but when I woke up, I was in that same position in my bed and I felt a sense of peace that I had not felt in months, perhaps even years. I knew what I had to do. 

I walked downstairs and told my husband that it was truly over. I was going to my parents’ home for a few days and he should move out by the time I returned. 

That afternoon, I flew to my parents’ house in New York. My grandmother had an apartment on the top half of the house and her kitchen window overlooked our backyard. It was January and I was outside in the cold, crying on my parents’ deck. I looked up at her window and I felt that peaceful feeling from my dream come over me again. I closed my eyes and suddenly saw myself in the future, looking out that window onto my future wedding day. I saw myself looking down at family and friends, and I saw an amazing man waiting at the end of the aisle. I didn’t see his face, but I felt his calming and loving presence. Two seconds later, I was shaking my head at such a crazy idea. I was so hurt and sad, there was no way I would ever feel love again or even get married. I was damaged goods, in my eyes.

However, with that one choice came a new life. We divorced, and I moved into my own apartment, started to learn new activities, and focused on getting to know myself. Once I felt a sense of peace with who I was, I then opened the door for someone else to come in. And he didn’t look at me as damaged goods, he simply loved me – the good and the bad. 

A few years later, that vision from my parents’ deck came true. I looked out that window in my grandmother’s kitchen and there were all my family and friends smiling up at me. And as I walked down the aisle to that beautiful man, I could feel his calming and loving presence with every step. I was getting married again and it felt right. Finally right.

When I walked out that door years before, I made a choice that changed my life forever. I didn’t choose to leave a husband, I chose to leave myself and start over. I chose to find that feeling I felt in my dream. And I did find it, and that sense of peace has not left me since.

The view from the kitchen window...

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From the Judges 

In the beginning of the post, I loved how you just laid it out. "It was New Year’s Eve and my husband had just told me that he wasn’t in love with me anymore." It set the heavy tone for the post right then and there. But then, after about the third paragraph, it felt very choppy to me. It felt like it could have used more detail, and better transitions between the things that happened. I loved the post, and I feel like you did a great job on the assignment, but I feel like you really could have written it better.
-Tessa Taboo

Yes! My favorite post of yours so far. Emotional, clear, captivating.

My only criticism is that the assignment was to write about a chance you didn't take. This is about a chance you did take. I'm glad it was a good one for you, and I still enjoyed this post a lot. It's just not what I expected from the prompt.
-From the Bungalow

This is my favorite post you've written in this whole competition. I thought you wrote very well - a lot of imagery and emotion.

I like that you focused as much on your emotional journey as you did on just what happened: I could tell that this experience has made you who you are and not just brought you to where you are.
-The Spaghetti Westerner

The introduction was great! It left me with questions, caught my attention, and kept me reading. I do have to agree that the ending was a bit abrupt and choppy. HOW did you make your dream reality? What did you decide was the force that was comforting you in your dream? The choice you took made your life what it is, but I could have used some more explanation on what exactly that was.
-SooperDad Blog of Awesomeness

Love this post. It was one with which I personally could truly identify, and I felt as though it flowed beautifully. I actually did interpret this as the chance you didn't take - because as someone who has been in a similar situation, I understand not taking yet another chance on the first relationship working in the long run.

Great job!
-Non-Stop Mom

The beginning had me hooked. The way you described how you felt, I teared up a little myself. "Then, someone came up behind me and lifted my head up and spread my arms out" Very spiritual.

I thought it flowed well, and I found my self with a big smile as I finished reading. Very good post!
-Red Vines and Red Wine (Guest Judge)