"Well, being a man is no walk in the park either," he answered.
"Oh, right! If I could be a man for a day, it would be like a vacation!" I told him.
The next morning, before I even opened my eyes, I knew something didn't feel quite right. It wasn't until my husband had me in a headlock and I caught a glimpse of my hairy arm that I realized this was more than just having had one too many glasses of wine the night before.
"It's me!" I sputtered. "Your wife!" He reluctantly loosened his grip. "See?" I showed him the birthmark on my right arm.
"Why...what...how?" He hadn't had his coffee yet. I noticed a note on the dresser:
You got what you asked for. You’ve got until midnight tonight. Make the most of it.
Love, Mother Nature.
Love, Mother Nature.
I shook my head and walked into the bathroom. Apparently when I asked for a day of manhood, I should also have asked for a new life. I glanced up at the mirror, and ran my hands down my sides. It was if my hips had melted. “Hmm…” I thought, “I could wear any jeans I want and not worry about a muffin top.” Next, I took off the sports bra that was hanging loosely around my chest. Flat, firm muscles replaced soft, fleshy cleavage. “That sure makes weaning easy, doesn’t it?” I said to myself. “ Check THAT off the to-do list."
As much as I wished I could just take the day off, hang out at home in my underwear, and make inappropriate noises, the sad reality was that just wasn't in the cards for me. My day was packed. I walked into the closet. "What on earth am I going to wear?" I wondered out loud as I browsed through my husband's polo shirts.
On my way out the door, I leaned toward my husband out of habit for a kiss. "Hey...whoa there," he said, "I don't remember saying anything about 'in womanhood or in manhood' in our vows, so how about for today, we just skip the whole being affectionate thing?"
"Yeah, that's probalby for the best," I answered, reaching out my hand for what ended up being the most awkward handshake of my life.
I hopped in the car and noticed the bright orange "Check Engine" light on the dashboard. You have to be kidding me; I do not have time for this! I drove to the mechanic just down the street, playing my to-do list over in my head. I walked into the shop and leaned over the counter slightly.
"There's this warning light thingy on in my car," I said, batting my eyelashes. "And I just don't want to drive it and have something bad happen, you know? Get stuck somewhere all alone or something, " I giggled. "Can you help me out?"
"Ummm..sir...I...um...I'm going to need you to take a seat," the man behind the counter said. "Someone will be with you soon."
Sir? Oh, crap! Right...that's me. Apparently the helpless girl routine doesn't work so well when you're a dude. Note to self: remember to *act* like a man for the rest of the day. Two hours later, the guy behind the counter finally returned the keys to me and sent me on my way. I looked down at the bill. Sure enough, it was about thirty bucks less than the last time I'd brought the car in for the check engine light. That figures...
I glanced at the time and realized that if I hurried, I could still make it to my next appointment. I rushed into the salon with just seconds to spare. "I'm here for an appointment," I told the girl at the counter. "Johnson."
"Oh, we have you down. But we were expecting a Misses Johnson," she said, eyeing me suspiciously.
"Well, you must have written it down wrong then because I'm definitely a mister. Mister Johnson." I smirked as I heard the words coming out of my mouth. As a woman, I'd never fully appreciated the double entendre of our last name. "Yup, I'm here for a mani-pedi. And a..." I paused. I gulped. "A bikini wax."
There was no way I had time to reschedule; we were leaving for the lake tomorrow. I was going to be swimsuit-ready regardless of what might be in my pants today. An hour later, and in more pain than I could have thought possible, I left the salon, primped, pretty, and ready to go. I'd only gotten a slight hesitation from the nail tech when I'd requested bubble gum pink polish on my hairy man toes.
It was almost time to pick up my son, but I figured I could grab my mother's birthday cake before I headed over to the daycare. As the woman at the bakery handed me the pink cake box, she said, "I just love a man who's wililng to help his wife out with running errands! There really ought to be more men like you."
"Oh yeah! That's me...Mr. Helpful," I said, as I mentally rolled my eyes. "And now, I've got to pick up my baby from daycare."
The head teacher was glaring at me from the second I walked in the door. "Hi. I'm here for Jacob," I said. She stared at me. It hadn't occurred to me that they wouldn't give a baby to just anyone who wandered in off the street. "I'm...uh...I'm his uncle," I said, but I could tell from the stern look on her face that there was no way she was going to buy it. "You know," I said, "I can just wait outside until his dad shows up. Why don't I do that?" When I heard sirens and saw red flashing lights in the distance, I decided I better take off. Apparently daycare workers don't take kindly to potential perverts lurking around their building.
When I finally made it home, I couldn't wait to crack open a nice, cold beer. And, for the first time in my life, it was totally acceptable that at the end of my very long day I’d rather have a beer than a glass of wine. I guess being a man is good for something after all.
I plopped down on the couch next to my husband and guzzled my beer. Then, I let out a burp bigger than any I'd experienced in my whole life. My husband shot me a look of disgust. "What?" I said defensively. "Oh...and what's for dinner?"
http://spaghettiwesterner.blogspot.com
Judges Comments:
"I really like the foreshadowing of the husband and wife the night before, it was a great set-up to what would happen the next day. I was a little lost in the confusion of day and laughed hysterically at the salon bit. Overall, great job this week! "
T. Rojas, from Motherhood: The Definition of Insanity
"Agree the foreshadowing was a great set up. I could picture how awkward some of those situations would be, my favorite husband handshake, too funny! a great post! good job! :) "
Erica, from Good Job Momma
"Entertaining take on the assignment. You turned male but only adopted the physical traits while maintaining the feminine internal dialogue, I can see where those that encountered you were a bit confused on the contradiction."
Random Girl, from Random Girl Blog