"A Woman’s Work Is #^%&*ING PEANUTS"

TheRealMattDaddy

As an at-home dad, I get questions about gender roles and stereotypes all the time. People often don’t know what to make of me as a father who directly cares for his child, so I usually end up telling them. They ask things like, “Are you babysitting today?” To which I reply, “Nope, I'm parenting.” Sometimes they still don’t “get it.” For those occasions, I had this shirt made up.

While I think that gender stereotypes are occasionally funny but mostly useless, I do believe we can learn a lot from the opposite sex. So, in an effort to truly understand the way that my wife approaches parenting, I decided to conduct an experiment. I tried to imagine living out my routine for a day, but with her mind.

I would wake up to the sound of my toddler talking to herself in her crib.  She’s talking to herself. Is she hurt? Is she thirsty? Is that normal? I would assure myself that everything was okay, and proceed to get dressed. These pants are tighter than last week. Am I eating too much Halloween candy? Can I get away with sweatpants at story time two weeks in a row?

My hair would get put up in a pony tail because there was, literally, no time to shower. Then, I’d get my kid up and out of bed. This diaper is really full; no more drinks before bed. Am I a bad mom for doing that? "Stand up, so we can get you dressed." Her pants are tighter than last week. Did she hit a growth spurt? Did I leave laundry in the dryer? Dress clothes or towels? Crap, I’m going to have to iron. 

We would head downstairs for breakfast. She needs to have a fruit. She didn't have a fruit at dinner last night. But I want her to be full, so she should have some protein too. I would prepare her an apple and a waffle. There's no time for eggs, but I should pack a healthy snack. I don’t want to take gummy snacks again. Crap, we’re out of milk. I should stop on the way home. “Are you ready to go?” I would ask her. We’d finish up our breakfast... Granola bars are healthy, right? ...and head out the door for story time at our local library.

After circling the block to get the cheaper parking meter (the ones closer to the library are a dollar, and these are only twenty-five cents)… #WINNING! … we would find our seats in the circle of other parents. It’s sixty degrees outside, and she’s wearing that? The librarian would start reading a book about animals.  Wait, we’re making animal sounds. Why isn't my kid making the animal sounds? She does them at home. Why not now? Quack, Baby, quack… we need to practice. 

"Great job!" Sweet, she knew that was a dolphin. None of the other kids knew that. “Sit down so everyone can see,” I’d remind her. Should I get a book out for me? I won’t have time to read it anyway. Don't forget the milk.

“No, we don’t eat the glue stick,” I’d tell my daughter during craft time. Why is she eating the glue stick? Is she hungry? “Are you hungry? I have raisins in your bag,” I’d offer. Did that woman just give her kid peanuts? Really, peanuts? That kid IS eating PEANUTS?! We'd finish our craft an then go play with puppets.  Is she insane?! Who brings #^%&*ing peanuts into a room full of kids? “We need to share the puppets. Ask her nicely for a turn.” ALLERGIES!!! CHOKING HAZARD!!! We need to leave before I punch that woman in the vajay. #^%&*ING PEANUTS?!

When story time was over, we would head out to the grocery store to pick up the milk and a few other things. Did I bring my coupons? Do I have them sorted for stacking? Crap, I should have checked the blogs for the best deal. “Hold my hand; we’re in a parking lot! Look for cars.” There are so many germs on these carts. That bug is going around. Crap, are they out of wipes? And my husband thinks I'm crazy for having a backup stash. “Don’t touch the cart until Mommy cleans it,” I would carefully instruct my daughter. I wonder if juice is on sale. Crap, this coupon is expired. I can’t believe she brought #^%&*ing peanuts.  “Don’t touch the food on the shelf, Baby! We’re going to check out soon.” Great, I forgot the milk. No time now. I'll have to text Matt to pick it up.

“Put that jar down.” Is this the shortest line? “No, you can’t have any candy.” This kid is seconds away from a meltdown, and I do NOT want to get those looks. “If you’re good, I’ll give you raisins when we get in the car,” I’d end up negotiating. Why did I just bargain with her? Don’t give me that look.

“Don’t put your hands on the belt. Your fingers could get stuck.” Really? You can’t scan any faster, Gladys? Where’s the bagger? How did Jessica Simpson lose that baby weight? Damn, she looks good. “Don’t climb out of the cart! We’re heading home for lunch!”

This experiment was supposed to last all day, but it was like I was living inside a commercial for BING.  I couldn’t even make it to lunch without feeling the need to press the virtual PAUSE button to catch my breath. Thinking like a woman is truly exhausting. No wonder they say, “A woman’s work is never done.” She’s too busy thinking about everything else!

From the Judges:

Good job taking a different approach to this. That takes guts. You went with it and I admire that. I think you're bordering on avoiding the true spirit of the assignment. Bordering, but I see what you're doing. My real problem is, I feel like these are all thoughts any dad who takes care of his child might also have on any given day with that child. They're thoughts I would have or have had. Maybe that says a lot about how much alike you and your wife are. I don't know, because that's not the way you went with it. Just one guy's perspective on any otherwise clever, well-written post. And I agree with Cat on the Bing reference. Hilarious.

-Daddy Knows Less

I definitely like that you took a different approach, and not the standard man-in-a-woman's-body schtick. But at the same time, I think that you could have gone farther with it. Your thoughts were definitely spot on for how a mom thinks, but like DKL said I think that most parents would think the same thing.
For the record, I cracked up about the parking meters - that is something that I would do too. Nice work!

-Non-Stop Mom

I like the original idea of just trying to think like her during your day rather than the standard wake up as a woman/wrestle with a bra/sit to pee/I hope I don't have a period bit. I think you were on to a great idea and then I think you started rambling. Maybe some scenery fill was needed. Mind you- more "scenery", or description, that is just my taste in reading and writing. Because I have constant thoughts like that- I got what you were telling me. I will be interested to see how the men read this and take in the story. The Bing reference was brilliant and the sleepy picture says it all ( those internal questions are exhausting and they just don't stop as a Mom)!

-Honey Badger Press

In college, my theater teacher told me "Acting isn't thinking about what YOU would do if you were the character. Acting is pushing yourself aside, and BECOMING the character. If you don't get rid of yourself, it's never going to work." I think that's sort of what happened here. You had a good idea, and you did an okay job of presenting it. But, I really wish you would have taken it further. This reads more like a man trying to make a list of what he thinks goes through his wife's mind every day than someone trying to tell me a story. It just feels very disjointed. Especially, when you kept saying "I would" throughout...It's like you kept reminding me that it was a story...sort of like you kept waking me up from a daydream...like you would start to take me on a ride, and then all of a sudden turn around and go back. I don't want you to feel like I'm beating you up here because I really like your concept. I just wish you would have dove in and really went for it.

-Wildflowers & Whimsy

I really liked this post. I thought it flowed nicely and your voice was very clear. You make us moms seem like raving, worrisome lunatics in our heads.(which is totally true, btw)
Great story! Sorry I don't have more to say, but that's a good thing, really. :)

- Pinwheels and Poppies

I liked the approach you took. I thought the post was well written, and flowed well. While the "inside voice" was all over the place, I know that's what you wanted it to be, so mission accomplished.

-Sooperdad Blog of Awesomeness