Hey, I'm The MFD - The Mother Freakin' Dude

The Mother Freakin' Princess

I woke up yesterday with the normal 'hit snooze button-yawn-stretch-massive erection'. You know, the kind of erection that shouldn't be wasted? I slid my hand along my wife's beautiful body, carefully, slowly, waking her up. She purred and stretched, like a little sex kitten. After locking the bedroom door, we had quiet sex - which is a lot like normal sex, except she can't moan...loudly. I would've liked to have stayed in bed with her for the rest of the day, looking into her gorgeous eyes, caressing her body, and having sex a few more times, but the children needed to be schooled and there was work to be done.

She gave me one more kiss. I pulled myself out of bed and faced the day.

As I rummaged through my closet, I paused a moment to gaze longingly at my thrift store tuxedo. *sigh* The things I would wear if only they were socially acceptable. I grabbed a pair of warm-up pants, and a flannel shirt, and thought, "Maybe someday I'll wear that thrift store tuxedo." I also made a mental note to stop at Michael's Craft Store to pick up more rhinestones for my cumberbund (or cummerbund if you live somewhere besides Minnesota).

During Family Breakfast I had a chat with my wife:

"I kinda want to grow out my facial hair, but I HATE that in between stage. You know, it's not long enough to look like a 'real' beard, but it's too long to look like I just missed a day of shaving? That's the worst. Plus, I don't even know what kind of facial hair to go for. Should I do the chin-strap, a goatee, choppers, the Van Dyke, or mutton chops? I just don't know."

She told me to do what ever would make me happy. I challenged her by saying, "What if I decide to get a mohawk and color it blue?" She affirmed that she'd love me with or without a mohawk and with or without a beard.

The kids and I jammed out some schoolwork. Then we headed out to my friend Angie's, for our homeschool playgroup. I was hoping the homeschool mommies could help me decide what to do with my facial hair. They always have great ideas. When we got to Angie's, the kids scattered to find their friends. I pulled out my laptop and set myself up at the kitchen counter with the mommies. The afternoon went by with a good amount of laughter and an intense discussion about facial hair and social norms.

The evening came and went. My wife and I got the kids to bed. Then we snuggled on the couch. With one hand I played with her long, soft hair, with the other I held my glass of wine beer. I asked her again about my facial hair. Her answer was the same, be true to myself and do what I wanted. We kissed, went to bed, and had normal sex.

With my wife's encouragement and my newly acquired confidence to buck social norms, I decided to grow mutton chops. Plus, I'm going for that blue mohawk, AND I am going to wear my thrift store tuxedo and rhinestoned cumberbund to the grocery store.

Do these mutton chops make my butt look big?

Hell, I might even inspire other guys to wear tuxedos out and about, just for fun.

~The Mother Freakin' Dude

P.S. Nathan told me that guys don't usually say things like massive erection. He insisted that a guy would probably say, "morning wood." I told him that *if* I was really a guy I would call it a massive erection and since this is my blog massive erection is staying. He also told me that it's not as easy as "sliding your hand along your wife's body to gently wake her up" to enjoy morning wood. Sometimes your wife gets up before you, so she's not there. Also, sometimes she doesn't acknowledge the gentle caresses of her husband, so the husband ends up with blue balls. I told him that *if* I was a guy, that would never happen to me. I would find a way to sexually arouse my wife. I would never have 'blue balls'. He said, "Good luck with that."

P.S.S. Nathan also informed me that most guys wouldn't get laid twice a day. I informed him that if most guys talked about things like "massive erections, making love, or gentle caressing," and if they played with their wife's hair, they would probably have sex more often. Unless they used the term "get laid" or talked about blue balls, then they probably wouldn't. Then he reminded me of a certain tiny country I used to talk about...We decided that maybe he was more accurate and realistic than me, but I was far more entertaining.

From the Judges:

THIS is what I am talking about. This post can appear on your blog, by itself, and fit in perfectly. I really like how you approached this assignment. You stayed true to you. There was no "how did I get here," but that's ok. You were stressed about this assignment, but you took a step back, had some vodka, came back, and nailed it. Your PS and PPS (It's not "PSS." Sorry.) made a solid post really really funny. And you made up for your 'controversial' non-descriptive picture from last week with that hilarious mock up. Good job.

-Daddy Knows Less

Loved it. Love that it's not bogged down with the whole How I Turned Into A Man thing, and just goes right to the heart of the story. Just enough humor without being crazy and it sounds like YOU.
But yeah, PPS and not PSS. Minor detail, but still...it's the little details that can kill you in the end. Great job!

-Non-Stop Mom

Love that you just woke up that way... as if it were any other day. I still can hear the MFP in this piece and don't feel like you were trying really hard to convince me you were a guy - that came across very naturally. The PS and PPS are TOTALLY your style and love love that you used your own voice through out. Knocked this one out of the park! Well done!

-Honey Badger Press

LMAO!! Thank you for giving me an actual day in the life of YOU as the opposite sex...you total rocked it, and if I was your wife, you would certainly get laid twice a day...forget what your husband tells you...he's a man. What the heck does he know? lol

-Wildflowers & Whimsy

You had me at "massive erection". Seriously though, that first paragraph really grabbed my attention. Probably because I'm a huge perv, but whatever.
All that talk of facial hair lost me though. Is that really all you believe men think about? That and thrift store tuxes? I get where you were going with the post, but it kind of fell short for me when the entire post didn't measure up to that first paragraph. I did like the PS and PSS parts though, they really helped personalize the post.
Overall, not your best work, but still a great post!
In the future remember- more sex, less facial hair talk. ;)

- Pinwheels and Poppies

Typical day in the life of MFD. You took aspects of your personality and intertwined them with attitudes and aspects of a different gender. The story was short and sweet, but I was left wanting more of the story throughout the day.

-Sooperdad Blog of Awesomeness