I'll Worry About It Later

www.icescreammama.com

When I glance at the clock this morning, I can feel right away something is different. My back is sore and my crotch area itches a bit. Instead of jumping out of bed to run downstairs and make lunches for the kids, I decide, eh, whatever, and just roll over and sleep a little longer. Weird. I NEVER sleep longer.

One of my kids finally wakes me out of a drooling stupor. “Mommy!! It’s almost bus time!” I lift one brow and try to focus. The clock reads 7:50 am. The bus comes at 8:15 am. “F*CK!” I blurt out, which startles me more than the clock. I never say that, at least not in front of the kids. My seven year-old stares at me wide-eyed and is grinning like he’s just learned the best secret.

I make my way slooowwwlly out of bed to the bathroom, my kid following the entire time. Why do I feel like I have a hangover? “Go get ready.” I order and scratch my ass.

“But you always pick out our stuff.” He whines.

“Do it yourself.” I grumble and then fart loudly. His eyes perk again and he runs out giggling.

Ah. I sit myself down on the can for a nice, long time and flip through the paper. Heaven. By the time I get downstairs, it’s 8:10am. The boys have miraculously made themselves breakfast and are at the door ready to run to the bus stop. I give them the once over. My oldest has his shirt on inside-out, his shoe laces are untied and he’s wearing two different socks – one short and one long. My middle son looks perfect for a soccer match, and my youngest is wearing thick brown sweats, a brown tee shirt and brown rain boots. I scratch my head, amazingly unconcerned. “Did you guys brush your teeth?” They all look at each other and shrug. “Homework?” I ask, and my oldest pulls out a crumpled ball of paper from his bag. “Okay then, have a good day!”

As they bound to the bus, I notice that my oldest son’s backpack hangs open. There’s something I’m forgetting. What is it? Lunches! Oops. I have an epiphany, maybe I can get Dominoes to deliver to the school. That’s genius. Why haven’t I ever thought of that before?

I have a half an hour before I need to get my youngest to Pre-K. In the kitchen there has been a cereal explosion, but I casually crunch my way past the table covered with Fruity Pebbles and spilled milk over to the coffee maker. Oh lucky. The container of milk is right here on the counter. And cookies! I shove a few in my mouth without a thought. I should really clean this up I think, and gulp down my coffee while my child dressed like a big doody eats the cereal from the floor.  

The phone rings. It’s my mother. I’m way too busy to answer.

“Let’s get to school, buddy.” I say. “But how ‘bout a catch first?” We leisurely throw the ball on the lawn for a while before I finally get him to school 15 minutes late. A bunch of nursery moms are still hanging around and chatting as I bounce by with him on my shoulders. Wow, one of them has a really nice rack. I can’t seem to stop staring. I feel unusually drawn to her, but realize I’m wearing my pajama tee-shirt with the holes and somehow I forgot to put on a bra this morning. I don’t really feel like socializing anyway, especially after one of the flat-chested moms gave me a strange look when I whipped her daughter up and threw her into the air. I totally thought she was laughing, but turns out the kid cries like a laugh. How would I know that?! I have a strong urge to return to my bathroom and the sports section.

Comfortably seated back on my toilet I think about what I have to do for the day. Gym, supermarket, dry cleaners, I need two birthday party gifts, a school meeting and I must do laundry. Hmmm. None of that sounds like much fun. I’ll definitely do the gym. Maybe I’ll just blow off the rest of it and go hit some golf balls. That’s an awesome idea. I am so Awesome! I think and then realize there’s no toilet paper. “Hey can you bring me some toilet paper?” I yell out, but there’s no one there to get it. I shrug and go back to the newspaper. I’ll worry about it later. 

From the Judges:

Ah, yes. I certainly quite often find refuge in the toilet. It's where I do some of my best reading - and writing. You kept it short and sweet, which it good. What I felt it lacked was heart. What did it FEEL like to be a man for a day? All I got was inappropriate swearing, shirking of responsibilities, and flatulence. Which is fine for humorous effect. But you needed to pull me in more with the emotion.

-Daddy Knows Less

Good storytelling, good imagery, but I felt like maybe there was a bit too much of the "stereotypical" manly activities - which made me giggle, but it seemed like that was all that the post was about, and not about what it actually FELT like to be a man for a day. Nice work.

-Non-Stop Mom

I think you have better talent and can reach deeper in than the stereotypical man stuff and the "I woke up with a penis" scenario. After reading this piece several times - I still have no idea how it actually felt for you to be a man. Some of it had humor potential - but I felt like you just walked through this one. You have incredible talent and this may have been out of your comfort zone. I want to see you shine through next week!

-Honey Badger Press

I really enjoyed this one. I thought you did a great job, and I can see where the other judges are coming from about all the stereotypical guy stuff and leaving out the emotion, but I am curious as to whether you intentionally left out the "emotional" stuff. To me it seems you took the approach of writing about your day as a guy...as a guy, and I really liked that.

-Wildflowers & Whimsy

I liked this approach. Probably because I think male stereotypes are hilarious. I do know that they aren't totally accurate, but they are funny nonetheless. That said, you could have done better. I think you have the potential to WOW the judges! I wanna see it next week! Great job!

- Pinwheels and Poppies

I liked the descriptiveness you used. The clothing, the setting, the surroundings, but it felt very.....clinical. There were humorous parts, but for some reason, the voice of this post sounds monotonous.

-Sooperdad Blog of Awesomeness