Super Bland!

http://www.pileofbabies.com

     On Wednesday, I went to the grocery store at the end of a long, tiring day. I was frazzled, and looking for something easy to make for dinner – something I could just throw in the oven. There, among the frozen pizzas, I saw it: “Pizza and Cookies.” A full-size frozen pizza on one side of the box, and chocolate chip cookie dough on the other. Pizza and cookies...IN THE SAME BOX.

     Now, in hindsight, I should have known better. I should have known that there was no way that people could eat things like that and not suffer any consequences. It turns out that those unusual foods you see in the frozen food section of the grocery store – chocolate chip pancakes wrapped around a sausage on a stick, chili-covered spaghetti, breakfast pizza – can have unusual side effects...and I'm not talking about your cholesterol.

     Within hours of eating the last of the pizza and cookies, my whole family became ill. This was not a surprise; we considered it a natural by-product of an unnatural product. But by the end of the next day, we discovered that we had become infected with something completely unexpected: super powers.

     Over the next couple of days we tested out our powers. When we were confident that we could control them, we invited my mother over for a demonstration.

     “You aren't going to do anything...dangerous, are you?” she worried.

     “Mom, look at us,” I reasoned. “Just because we have super powers doesn't make us the freaking X-Men. We're the Super Blands, for Chrissakes. We're the super hero equivalent of a pile of toast. And to prove that to you, we're going to do something completely normal. We're going back to where it all began – let's go grocery shopping.”

     We squeezed the five of us into the car and off we went. Once we got to the store, we grabbed a cart and started down the produce aisle, eager to show off our powers. Halfway down the first aisle, a woman stopped her cart in our path and began comparing heads of broccoli. There was no way to get around her.

     I have always hated it when people mindlessly block the aisles like that. In the past, I would have just boiled on the inside. But now, I had another option. I nudged my 4-year-old son, Ben and said, “Go get her, honey.”

     Ben walked up to the woman, took a deep breath, and yelled, “LOOK AT ME IN THE FACE!”

     Startled, she dropped both heads of broccoli and stared into my son's eyes; she went slack and still, hypnotized by his gaze. My mother gasped as, in the blink of an eye, Ben transformed into veteran actor Morgan Freeman.

Image via starpulse

“You know,” said my son, in Mr. Freeman's kindly, wise voice. “It was Plato who said, 'Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.'”

“Huh?” The woman was still in a trance.

“MOVE YOUR CART,” my son ordered.

“Oh!” she shook herself, coming to. “Oh, I am so sorry, Mr. Freeman. I'll get out of your way right now.”

     “Thank you!” said Ben, now back to his small blond self. We walked past her as she gaped at us, and we turned into the next aisle.

     My mother grabbed my arm. “What was that?!” she asked.

     “Ben's super power is that, when needed, he becomes a righteous Morgan Freeman. When wrong-doers look into his eyes, he takes on Morgan Freeman's form and voice. He knows the morally correct thing to do in every situation and he teaches his lessons in a grandfatherly, yet deeply serious way."

     “Oh...” my mother whispered.

     We picked up the rest of our groceries without incident and headed toward the front of the store. When we reached the checkout stands, there was only one cashier open, and we were fifth in line. The woman at the front of the line opened her checkbook, and then, slowly, pulled out a handful of coupons. As she started to argue with the cashier that her coupons were still good even though they expired a month ago, I saw an opportunity for my daughter to show off her super power.

     “Megan, sweetheart, show Grandma what you can do. Super Blands, grab your ear plugs.”

     Megan opened her mouth and emitted a sound – a sound of a frequency and decibel level typically heard only when a train loaded with circus elephants comes to a sudden stop. A sound so piercing, that for days afterwards your eardrums would leak in fear every time a door slammed or a horn honked.

Image via sxc

     The other customers in line fell to the ground with their hands over their ears. As they writhed around, one man cried, “For god's sake give her whatever she wants! Give her a pony! Give her a goddamn horse! Just make it stop!”

     I tapped Megan's shoulder and she ended her super scream. Making our way past the other customers, I said, “Gosh, I am so sorry. I think she REALLY wants to get home. Do you mind if we go ahead of you? Thank you! You know what kids are like!”

     As we picked up our bags and left the store, I saw that my mother was upset. As was Morgan Freeman, who was now standing next to her.

     I whirled around to face them. “Mom, Morgan, I don't want to hear it! That woman's coupons expired a MONTH ago! A WHOLE MONTH! Listen, we've only had these powers for a few days. I'll worry about 'right and wrong' later. For now, it's payback time for the coupon lady.”

     We climbed back into the car. Megan screamed to part the traffic, and we headed home.

     The ride home was a quiet one. I could tell that my mother thought I was abusing my children's powers. I glanced at her in the rear view mirror, squeezed in between the kids' carseats. She looked back at me and then quickly looked away. Ben again morphed into Morgan Freeman and said, “Well, now, this reminds me of something Ghandi once said, 'An eye for an eye --'”

     “Don't make me put you in time-out, Freeman,” I warned.

     Ben morphed back into himself. “Sorry, Mama.”

     Mike cleared his throat. “Hey Marilyn! I haven't shown you MY super power yet! I bet it'll cheer you up!”

     My mother sighed. “Ok, Michael. What is your super power?”

     He started giggling and pointed at a tire store across the street. We looked over and saw a stack of tires arranged into the shape of an erect penis.

     “Dammit, Mike! Cut that out!” I yelled.

     My mother looked questioningly at him. With a shrug, he said, “I can move objects around and make things. I could probably do something useful with it, but so far I've just made a lot of penises.”

     “Mike, PLEASE. My mother does not want to see a tire penis.”

     Mike returned the tires to their usual spots and started to pout. As the light turned green, he said to me, “Hey Meredith, look out your window.”

     I turned to see a large shrub, whittled away so that it was giving me the finger.

Image via www.duhworld.com

     “Nice, Mike. Real nice.”

     We arrived home, unpacked the groceries, and started to make dinner. I turned on my Tiny Tim CD, and we listened to him play “Tip Toe Through The Tulips” on the ukelele. Mike made the rolls look like boobs, Megan screamed to get the dog next door to stop barking, and Morgan Freeman lectured us all about the importance of hope and faith. My mother sat quietly at the kitchen counter, watching us. I could feel her disapproval, and worse, her disappointment. Suddenly, I was ashamed.

     Since we discovered that we had these powers, my family had been having a lot of fun with them. We didn't know how long we were going to have them, so we tried to make light of them. But now, looking at us through my mother's eyes, I saw how irresponsible we had been. What were we teaching our children about the use of power? What were we teaching them about kindness? Morgan Freeman was right – an eye for an eye does make the whole world blind. We needed to figure out a way to make a positive contribution to our community. After all, isn't that what super heroes do?

     I walked over to my Mom and put my arm around her. “We'll figure it out, Mom. I promise.” 

     Mom smiled at me as her eyes filled with tears. “I know you will, sweetheart. I just worry about you and the kids.”

     "Well, making my mother worry is my other super power," I said, laughing. "But really, Mom, we'll be careful. I promise."

     We sat down to dinner and talked about things that had nothing to do with the super-natural. The kids told Grandma about school, and we made plans for the weekend. My mother and I held hands across the table, and I knew that while we may never save the world, my family – my Super Blands – would do better. We would do the best we could.

     Mike started clearing the table, and my mother turned to me.

     “Meredith, I'm almost afraid to mention it, but you haven't shown me YOUR super power yet.”

     “Oh,” I said, reddening. “It's not important. We're having a nice time right now, let's not spoil it.”

     “Oh, come on, Meredith! Show your Mom your power. She will be AMAZED,” Mike says.

     I glared at my husband. “Ok,” I sighed. “But really, it's nothing interesting.”

     The kids started chanting, “DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!”

     I closed my eyes and focused. The toilet in the kids' bathroom flushed. Then, faintly, we heard the downstairs toilet flush. Next, a shower started running. Then the kitchen sink turned on. My mother looked puzzled.

     “I can control water-based appliances with my mind.”

     We stared at each other for a long time.

     “Well,” she said, “Isn't that...something! You know, that could be very helpful when --”

     I held up my hand. “Mom, don't. Just don't.”

     Perhaps I'll figure out a way to use my power for good. Maybe I'll water lawns for the elderly, or bring a sudden end to all wet t-shirt contests. But for now, my kids wanted to play in the magical shower, and THAT'S the best I can do. But I won't rule out a penis-shaped fountain for our front lawn that I control with my mind. People do need to laugh, you know.

Image via www.amsterdam.info

 

From the Judges

This was probably one of the best posts this week. The Morgan Freeman thing was brilliant, and I laughed so hard at your husbands obsession with phallic objects. I loved the concept of how you got the super powers, but I have to admit, I thought it was all leading up to a reference about your husband getting really bad gas... lol. I thought it was great how all of you had seemingly useless powers, but you found a way to actually use them to benefit you. Well, except you. But I thought your random power was great, and I love how you tied it all together in the end with the penis fountain... lol.
-Tessa Taboo 

Great post! You had internal conflict, external conflict, humor, extraordinary powers (even the weird water-based one), a team name....all the markings of a great comic. I don't even want to know why your son would turn into moral Morgan Freeman, but it was brilliant.
 -SooperDad Blog of Awesome 

I really enjoyed this post. In all of my favorite posts this week, I felt that the writers managed to stay really true to yourselves and your writing, and this was no exception.

I thought your super powers were random, but very cool. I thought your post was very funny, and I could relate to you. I have to agree with SooperDad: the internal conflict, external conflict, humor and cleverness made for a funny post that also had depth.
 -The Spaghetti Westerner

I loved this! Great job! P.s. I always wondered who bought those pizza/cookie dinners.
-Mommy in Law 

Maybe it's because I already had Morgan Freeman on the brain this week, but that was the best super power. I even read it in his voice (in my head). I love the way you weaved ridiculous super powers into everyday situations. I appreciate that your husband can manipulate objects in any way, but chooses consistently to make large penises.

My only criticism was your super power. Is it supposed to be lame or is there some double entendre that we all missed? Looking at the penis fountain, I can think of one or two, but I won't mention them here. Great post.
 -From the Bungalow 

I guess I get to be the Debbie Downer on this one. It was just ok for me. While I loved the Morgan Freeman, the screaming child, and your husbands obsession with appendages, I just didn't get your power. I felt that you could have done something better there. I would be concerned about the use of the GD word and the final pic. While they don't bother me, I know some would find it offensive. By the way, I don't think I will ever look at the pizza/cookie dinners the same again. Good job.
-You Know It Happens At Your House Too (Guest Judge)