They took all the trees and put 'em in a tree museum, and they charged all the people a dollar and a half just to see 'em

crazy dumbsaint of the mind

                                                    

Looking at the pile of things next to the sewing machine and craft table had me frazzled. They were all in need of mending and all had top priority.
"You know,honey... I think we may have had too many children.", I said to my Life Partner in Fighting Injustice.

He answered with his usual, "There's strength in numbers,though, my Queen Bee. If the zombie apocalypse happens, we already have our own team."

He had a point but meanwhile, there were other living elements to battle. Beginning with the mending of  the costumes meant to disguise my super-duper family's real identities. The world had unusually high levels of fucked up shenanigans, putting extra wear & tear on the suits I had custom designed for each member and then constructed from 100% post-consumer materials. It would be hypocritical to call ourselves Crusaders for The Environment if I used all new materials.

Just as I finished the final repairing stitches and dollops of Gorilla Glue on the pile of battle-weary costumes, our oldest offspring , The Nihilistic Hipster, burst into the room, already in his reinforced plaid flannel armor and vintage Wranglers. He scratched his ironically-grown beard and exclaimed  "Quick! We need to get to the forest. Those bastards are clear cutting lumber again!"

I waited, anticipating there would be more monologuing to follow. I was right. He continued with, "Not that it matters. We're fighting a corrupt system that's impossible to defeat! We win the small battles but then what? Tomorrow, they return with their corporate greed to destroy the planet and the rest of the world blindly allows it to happen! We're the only ones who care. What's the use of fighting anymore? What it the point of this life at all!"

I sighed and yelled to my Life Partner in Fighting Injustice. "Honey! Get everyone ready.We need to go."

The horde otherwise known as my family scrambled into the room, trying to locate what they needed to wear. Chaos ensued. A chorus of, "Hey, this isn't mine? Does anyone have my tights?" or "Where are my gauntlets? I need them!", surrounded me. I ducked out to wrangle the toddler into something more than his birthday suit and giraffe rain boots.

18 minutes later, we were headed out the door - with one of the Wonder-Why Twins , The Rainbow Warrior, conspicuously missing. She was just getting into the shower. Exasperated, she said, "Ugh, fine! Just go without me! I'll catch up." Translation: " I still need to take a way too long shower,even though you've lectured me a billion times about wasting resources.Then I'll be right there...after I text my best friend, Instagram my hair today, tweet about hating to feel rushed by my family.Oh,and then I have to eat and have some coffee, find my ipod because there's no way I'm leaving the house without it ."

Pegacorn

The other half of the Wonder-Why Twins , Uke-Lilly, was already headed to the horse stables where our fuel-efficient, cyborg pegacorns that travel at sonic speed  awaited us. As usual, our little Lego Master complained as he mounted his steed, "These would be so much cooler if they were Dinozords like on Power Rangers."

"Oh, would you rather walk?", I asked. He mumbled, "No." , and decided to stop complaining.

As we approached the forest from overhead ,we could see huge swathes of land striped of it's trees.High above the mucky muck, the heavy equipment was wreaking havoc. The Lego Master immediately threw down an elaborate stampede of robotic elephants that dwarfed the machinery.

"Good job,buddy!" , The Daddy Man praised our super kiddo.

I admonished, "Oh,but Honey, you're not supposed to say 'Good job' so much anymore The parenting blogss say it turns kids into praise junkies and causes them to not be able to achieve goals without tons of encouragement."

Model of Ginormous Robot Elephants

"What the hell? That's the stupid bullshit I ever heard. Besides, can their kid build engineering marvels with legos? I reiterate, 'Good job,buddy!'. "

Our super-tween, who was going through a rather gothy stage and asked to be referred to as Edwina Scissorhands, rolled her eyes as she readied her superpower : planting rapid-growing seeds to replace what the mortal humans had torn away.
"Seriously, I have, like, the stupidest superpower ever.Why can't I have something cool ,like shooting  blades from my finger tips? Gawd."

"Some day ,you'll  appreciate it," I told her. I added, "Maybe we'll get lucky and you'll develop a new skill that turns your rolling eyeballs into bombs you can toss at people or something."

I really wish sarcasm was my superpower some days.

While the elephants created a circle of defense around the bulldozers, Uke-Lilly began strumming "Big Yellow Taxi" on her Sonic Ukelele. The music notes blasted sonic waves , disabling the machinery completely. There was only one thing left to do : blast the men below with a mist of my specially formulated mother's milk. That's right. Making milk really is my superpower. The mist created a calm and euphoria like they had never experienced before. Before long, they were holding hands and singing , "Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone...". They were crying tears of remorse, swearing they would never cut down another tree ever again. Even the company executives on the site to supervise were not immune. They took off their ties and shoes and ran off barefoot into the woods.

The Daddy-Man didn't even have to use his powerful gas, made even more potent by the new vegetarian ,bean-intensive diet I recently had been feeding the family. Which was a very good thing because we had all left our gas masks behind while rushing out the door. The Nihilistic Hipster had it easy that day,too. Not once did he have to use his crippling emo-whine. The toddler slept through the whole thing in the back carrier on The Daddy Man's back. The men were spared from his dastardly cute rays.

When we arrived back at home ,The Rainbow Warrior was just leaving the house.
"Well, I would have been there ages ago but some jerk on the internet called something gross 'gay' and I had to blast him with my rainbow rays.". Good excuse.

I collapsed on the couch next to a pile of laundry waiting to be folded. I heaved the heaviest of sighs and grabbed a t-shirt from the pile. I grumbled to myself, "Laundry...that's my real nemesis."

Look at these clowns, dressing like The Daddy-Man and me for Halloween. That woman doesn't even have flaps in her bodice to squirt milk through. And WHITE? Bitch,please. This if fighting injustice, not a a steampunked garden party.

[title from :"Big Yellow Taxi" by Joni Mitchell ]

 

 

From the Judges

So, as usual, your post was littered with grammatical errors, misplaced punctuation, and spacing errors. Usually, it doesn't even bother me because the actual words are so good that I want to keep reading. I was SO excited to read this week's post from you, and thought you would blow it out of the water. I read this: 'Crusaders for The Environment' and about died. I kept waiting for the part where you said you were kidding, but it never happened. Yeah, it's creative, and it's not something other people might have thought of, but that is not what I was expecting at all. It was also a little distracting that you used the name Uke-Lilly. I feel like you were going to try to use that as a way to use the required word 'ukulele', but then you used the word anyways. I also felt like it was just too long. I really struggled to get through it. I'm so disappointed, because I KNOW you can do better than this. I hate to say it, but I think this post is really going to hurt you.
-Tessa Taboo 

I loved it. The Nihilistic Hipster? Pure superhero gold. Great description and execution of his "powers". You kept a little piece of each character in the superheroes, and made it funny while fighting your particular injustice. My criticism is that the "squirting milk" superpower made me feel a tad bit uncomfortable.
 -SooperDad Blog of Awesome 

This was one of my favorite posts this week! Then again, I'm an environmentalist, so I loved your take on this assignment.

I think you and your family had some of the coolest super powers of all the assignments. Each of them (and your environmental crusade) spoke volumes about who you are as people...in other words, I felt like I really got to know you through this post. I commented on a couple posts that this post felt true to you and your writing, which is a huge accomplishment for this tricky assignment.

The only complaints I have are that it was a little long and the oddly misplaced punctuation and grammatical errors start to bother me. Though, on the length issue, I'd say it's a double-edged sword because some stories really do just require more words.

And I thought the milk super power was a nice touch...though, I guess I can understand it making others uncomfortable.
 -The Spaghetti Westerner

I had a hard time getting through it too. I sort of lost interest after a couple of paragraphs. It was too long (which seems to be a problem for many). This was a difficult assignment. Sorry.
-Mommy in Law 

Dumbsaint, I really want to like this post. There are a lot of great elements to it. I enjoy your descriptive storytelling and depth of subject matter. I just have a really difficult time overlooking the slew of mechanical errors. In a writing competition, form can be just as important as content. The content is there. Now focus on form.
 -From the Bungalow 

I have to be honest, I had to read this a few times in order to "get" it. I had a difficult time getting into it. The beginning just seemed slow developing into the guts of the story. I did enjoy your vivid descriptions of your kids and could picture them in my mind while at the same time assigning the same titles to my own kids, but the milk superpower is awkward. I don't know how well received this post will be by the voters. Sorry.
-You Know It Happens At Your House Too (Guest Judge)