Getting Your Zombie To Commit

www.martinisandminivans.com

Welcome to Hot 99.1’s Love Line – the place where callers can ask our relationship expert, Danielle Herzog, all their burning love questions. Caller, what’s your name and why are you calling? 

Caller: My name is Judy and I’m calling because a few months ago I met an awesome guy at a club, and we totally hit it off. We started dating right away and I really like him. 

Danielle: That sounds great! So, what’s the problem?

Caller:  Well… the problem is that I just can’t get him to commit and take this relationship seriously. He only wants to hang out during the night, never in the daytime, and he can’t stop planning for some big apocalypse or something with his creepy friends.

Danielle:  Ah Judy, I’ve seen this quite a bit before. It sounds like a classic case of, “You’re Dating a Zombie” No, no, don’t panic. I’m very experienced at domesticating a zombie. I’ll have that zombie-lover of yours in your home doing dishes in no time. Here’s what you have to do:

                Step 1:  Zombies are pack animals. They like to stick together, eat flesh and animals, and talk about which zombie ate a bigger brain last Saturday night. It’s hard to break them from each other. The first step to domestication is getting him away from those other bad zombie influences. A key way to do that is to figure out what you can offer him that they can’t. I recommend Xbox. Most zombies don’t have a source of income and that’s challenging when men, even zombie men, love to play video games. Go get an Xbox and fill it with sports games and violent fighting games (the ones where blood shoots out of their cheeks). Then, practice. Learn what buttons A and B do and learn how to sucker punch the huge fat sumo wrestler in Mortal Combat. Then, once you master the games, invite him over to play. The key step is to make sure you look hot. If you look hot and play video games really well he won’t even remember his friends’ names by the end of the night.

                Step 2:  Once you have established a few dates where you play Xbox without his friends around, consider taking it to the next level of domestication – laundry. While playing a game of Madden, consider spilling wine on his shirt. Instead of rushing to the kitchen to get a rag, ask him to take his shirt off and throw it in the washing machine for you. He’ll look at you confused, because no zombie has ever done laundry before, and at that moment you show him how the machine works and then ask him to grab your hamper full of clothes to add to it. It wouldn’t hurt to mention how heavy the basket it and how strong he must be to carry it. Then watch, within minutes you’ll have a zombie fluffing your whites and separating your colors.

                Step 3: This step is crucial. This the part where you get him to see beyond the apocalypse and consider living together. Because a zombie apocalypse takes a fair amount of planning and effort, a zombie can be hesitant to move a relationship forward, seeing that they will only have to kill you in the end. To avoid this occurrence, you are going to have to pull out the big guns. You’re going to have to wear pleather. Yes, that’s right. You are going to have to find one of those outfits that looks like leather, but isn’t, and you are going to have to wear it with ridiculously high sparkly heels every night until all thoughts of the apocalypse are eliminated. If you find that in a few days or weeks he starts talking again about taking over the world, consider adding leather chaps and whips. However, remember, this is only in case of emergency. It is a known fact that once a zombie gets a taste of that sort of kinkiness, they hardly ever accept basic relations again.

So Judy, by the time you complete steps 1-3, your zombie should have successfully left his group of undead misfits, learned how to do laundry, and moved in to your home without any issues or threats of killing you – the definition of domestication, if you ask me. 

And if all of this doesn’t work and your life is in jeopardy, well then, rumor has it you have to remove his brain. That just takes one step – start talking to him about your feelings. You’ll find that his brain shuts off immediately and you can quickly remove it for your own safety.

Well, Judy, that's all the time we have tonight. We'll be here next week talking about how to seduce a werewolf without getting hair in your mouth. Until then, goodnight and thanks for calling the Love Line!

The finished product

(pic courtesy of www.hollywoodgothique.com)

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From the Judges

Nice job! The steps could be for any man though...I love me some Xbox and pleather. ;) This post seemed a little hurried. I liked the interview setting in the beginning, but it seemed to stray into a narrative. I would have liked to see the interview throughout. You did fairly well for a difficult assignment.

-SooperDad Blog of Awesomeness

Well, we all liked the XBox comment, and we all agreed that it could apply to mortal men as well as zombies. That means you've pulled off some mass appeal here, which is no easy task.

My favorite bit, though, is the part about their brain shutting off when you talk about your feelings. I nearly spilled my wine laughing.

-The Lucky Mom

Sounds exactly like how I domesticated my zombie, err, husband. I love the idea of the radio show, but wish you would have continued it. Maybe had her ask questions about each of the steps. I also would have preferred if the steps were more geared toward a zombie. All boys love XBOX and pleather. Why does it work on zombie?? Maybe because they can "virtually" conduct a zombie apocalypse without actually having to do anything. You know they are lazy jobless bums...maybe go for leather instead of pleather because the way to a mans heart is through his stomach, and you know, it's the equivalent of a whipped cream bikini to a human man. Overall, excellent job - just push it a little further next time.

-Wildflowers & Whimsy

Well, all the steps were there, but since that could be how to domesticate your husband, I see no creativity here. I did like the calling in/radio station bit. That did give it a nice and unexpected twist, but really....what about when his face falls off in the sink?

-Freetail Therapy

Such a clever take and at first I agreed with the other judges about doing more of an interview but after thinking about it - I changed my mind. This is a tutorial and you did exactly what you were asked and did so in a clever and interesting way. Besides, what caller actually stays on the line after she calls in asking advice, I always... er, she would want to get off the phone and listen to the response. Not that I would ever call in asking for relationship advice.

-I Need a Playdate

I loved setting the piece as an advice-line call-in. It was a natural format for the tutorial. I agree that you followed the directions perfectly. I am a nit-picker, though, and I have to take you to task: it's "Mortal Kombat" with a "K". Though I doubt any zombie is going to care. Nicely done.

-The Klonopin Chronicles (Guest Judge)