So You Want To Groom A Chupacabra

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Congratulations! You have recently trapped and/or disabled the mythical monster known as the Chupacabra, and now you would like to learn how to groom it! Grooming your Chupacabra at home will not only protect you from inevitable lawsuits from professional groomers, but it is also a terrific way for you to bond with your blood-sucking nightmare beast. The grooming process is not easy. There will be some trust issues and power struggles to overcome before you can get close enough to handle your Chupacabra. In addition, the cost of setting up your grooming suite may be high, what with the floor-to-ceiling tiles, bullet-proof glass, and drainage trench that must be installed. But once you can get past those obstacles and the smell of death, you will be ready to engage in a high-stakes grooming session with your new pet.

Grooming the Chupacabra of today is much different from grooming the bipedal alien-like Chupacabras first discovered in the 1990's. That is great news for us Chupies (Chupacabra aficionados), as there are only so many ways you can beautify a four-feet-tall spiny lizard that would, without fail, start hopping like a kangaroo the minute you got the curlers in place. Nowadays, Chupacabras have been bred to resemble coyotes with a severe case of mange: hairless, with grey skin, large red eyes, and a reptilian tail. They are a magnificent mish-mash of god's worst mistakes in a form that only Chupies can love. As you will see in the tutorial below, there are a number of steps you can take to make your Chupacabra the belle of the ball.

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NINE STEPS TO GROOMING YOUR CHUPACABRA:

(Note: photos used are of dead Chupacabras. Live Chupacabras show up as negatives in photos.)

(See Step Three)

Step One: Gather necessary supplies and prepare your workstation. Don't forget extra tranquilizer darts! 

Step Two: Approach your Chupacabra. It is essential to achieve dominance from the start. Ignore the hissing and clawing; it is more scared of you than you are of it.

Step Three: Chain your Chupacabra to the floor, and initiate the distraction/bait technique. Have a helper dress like a goat and stand on the other side of protective glass (this is a wonderful way to include children in the grooming process.) Using the distraction/bait technique will encourage the goat-sucking instincts of your Chupacabra, and keep them mesmerized during grooming. You might also want to hum the tune "Bill Grogan's Goat" to the animal as a method of soothing. 

Step Four: Make sure that you give all commands to your Chupacabra in Spanish; he will feel more at ease listening to the language of his ancestors. Learn a few key phrases like: “release,” and “may god curse you, devil hound.” Make sure to practice – few things infuriate the Chupacabra more than a Gringo accent. 

Step Five: Now it's time for teeth and nails! Use a cheese grater to shave down his fangs, then grab a pair of pruning shears and get to work on those claws! These can be sensitive areas, so keep your eye out for signs of distress, like eye-rolling or screeching. If his lips curl curl back and begin to extend back over his face, thus turning his head inside-out, this is a sign of extreme aggression, and you should end the grooming session immediately. 

Step Six: Turn on the hose and spray your Chupacabra down. Note that the steam rising from its skin is a natural reaction to water and not a matter for concern. 

(See Step Seven)

Step Seven: Time to shampoo! The Chupacabra has no hair, so you will want to use a washcloth soaked in a turpentine to cleanse his skin. Use firm but gentle pressure. Due to the Chupacabra's similarity to dogs, many people wonder if the anal glands should be expressed at this point, as they are at the dog groomer's. I cannot say this strongly enough: DO NOT EXPRESS THE ANAL GLANDS OF THE CHUPACABRA. 

Step Eight: Thoroughly rinse and then dry the animal. This step is the easiest: Chupacabras love to be blown dry. Turn your hair dryer on “high,” and watch his big red eyes bleed tears of happiness.

Step Nine: Grooming is done! Don't forget to give your Chupacabra a treat! I like to browse the Heifer International catalog for some post-grooming rewards. A trio of rabbits prepared three ways is a special way to show your Chupacabra how much you appreciate not being mutilated.

Frequently Asked Questions: 

• Can I express my Chupacabra's anal glands? 

OH MY GOD, NO. Didn't you read Step Seven?! Please, for the love of all that is holy, do NOT express his anal glands. 

• I've been grooming my Chupacabra once a week for months, but I still can't get rid of that rotting smell. What am I doing wrong? 

Do not fall for the claims of certain products that they can make your Chupacabra smell like “lavender” or “tropical berries.” Turpentine is the only scent that can combat its natural, sulphuric odor.

• Any tips for accessorizing my Chupacabra for the show ring? 

When showing your Chupacabra, using glitter is an easy way to add some sparkle and pizazz to their otherwise lackluster coat. You may also want to explore the many bow and bandanna options available. And don't be afraid to pick a dress-up theme, like “cowboy” or “40's pin-up girl.”

• My Chupacabra bit me during grooming. What can I do? 

Grab a post-it, write out a brief will, and find a comfortable place to lay down.

From the Judges

Great job! You included some identifying characteristics of the Chupacabra that I wasn't familiar with. The format was excellent, reading much like an instruction sheet. The thing you might have done better was to caption the photos a little more humorously (for me).

-SooperDad Blog of Awesomeness

I must first make a disclosure that a friend of mine in rural south Louisiana killed a creature on his property a few years ago that he claimed was a Chupacabra. I will be culling through his Facebook page later to find the photos. That being said, my only criticism of this post is the reference to the creature as mythical.

My structural side was very pleased with the formatting. It read like a real manual would. My creative side was delighted with the visual images of the room, and creeped out by the image of expressing the anal gland.

I really liked your writing style, and your technical skills were spot on. Good work!

-The Lucky Mom

Excellent! Very creative. The getting the kids involved and FAQ's section were gold! Wouldn't change a thing!

-Wildflowers & Whimsy

Crap, I knew I was doing something wrong. I expressed his anal glads and now he won't stop humping my leg....

This was a very detailed and well thought out post. I appreciate the link to the treats. I didn't appreciate the pictures, but hey, what are you gonna do?

-Freetail Therapy

I wish I read this before I got my Chupacabra because I am pretty sure A. I would not have gotten one and B. I would have not expressed his anal glands (who knew!). Smashing idea of how to get the kids involved! Seriously, very well executed and so imaginative! I also appreciate the links and FAQ section. Well done!

-I Need a Playdate

I am sheepish to admit (see what I did there?) that I had to Google "chupacabra" because I was not 100 percent on what to expect with this piece. I am so glad I did. This was fun from start to finish. I could tell that you had fun writing it. This piece really seemed like a "how-to" you might see in a magazine -- Mythic Creatures Quarterly, perhaps? Nice job.

-The Klonopin Chronicles (Guest Judge)