Life Gets Bigger: A Letter To My Younger Self

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Dear high school Meredith,

I need to talk to you about your hand. No, the other one. The one without fingers. The one you've been hiding in long-sleeved shirts for the past five years.

I know that right now it feels like your life would be perfect if it weren't for your "little hand," and you hate being different. You are so afraid of what other kids might say about it that you wore sweaters to summer camp. In your mind, it seemed far better to be viewed as “eccentric” than “damaged.” I know that all you want is to fit in and be just like everyone else, and cry almost every night at how unfair it is that you were born this way.

Hiding my hand in high school.

Meredith, you are different. They want to tell you that you have a “birth defect,”, but let me be the first to tell you that you are not defective. One day you will be grateful for your hand. Yes, really. By the time you're my age, you'll be able to say that if you were given the opportunity to go back and re-live your life with two complete hands, you would not do it. That must sound crazy to you right now, but you will come to find that having your little hand has been a gift. Don't believe me? Here are some ways you have benefited from it:

You are strong. As a member of the “other,” you are going to develop a toughness. You won't have a thick skin, but you will be a survivor.

You have empathy for others. When you are dismissed and taunted for a physical feature that you have no control over, you are better able to put yourself in the shoes of others who have been mistreated.

Your hand is an automatic asshole detector. All of these kids that you fear will tease you if they see your hand? Let them. It will only show you and everyone else who the assholes are. Teenagers have a sense of right and wrong, Meredith. The good ones are the ones worth knowing. The bad ones will probably be assholes forever and are not the ones to judge your worth by.

Your hand is good for reaching into small spaces. Who can get the peanut from the bottom of the peanut jar? You can.

Your hand will not be the determining factor in how your life turns out. While it seems like the biggest thing in your life right now, I promise you that it will barely be a blip on your radar screen in the future. There is so much more to you than your hand, and there is so much more to life than worrying about what other people think of it.

You are lovable. Don't worry about all of the men who won't date you because of your hand – would you really want to spend your life with a douche bag like that? No, you wouldn't. And you won't. You are going to meet the man of your dreams, and he is not going to care one bit about your hand.

Your hand will be a gift to your children. They will have the benefit of being raised by a mother who is different. Just think of what wonderful, kind little people they will be, as a result of loving and being loved by you.

One day, you won't hide your hand anymore. One day, you will wear short sleeve shirts and tank tops. One day you will walk around without being conscious of who can see your hand and what they might be thinking. One day, you will shake hands with your right hand. And, one day, you will even find the humor in your hand.

Obviously, an ancestor of mine.

Will life be harder because of your hand? Not really. There will always be uncomfortable moments; there will always be times when you will notice someone staring, and you'll hate having to deal with it. But those moments will be short and quickly forgotten in the midst of this big, wonderful life you're going to have. As you get older, and come to know and love who you are, you will be less concerned with the opinions of strangers.

I wish I could give you the courage now to let your hand be seen. You would only gain positive things from it, and I have a feeling that the kids you go to school with would not react the way you think. For one thing, everybody already knows. Word gets around in a small school. And for another, you have nothing to be ashamed of, but you are encouraging people to think that you do. So much of this starts with you – if you show people that your hand is not a big deal, then they will believe you. On the other hand, if you constantly hide it, they will believe that something is wrong with you.

That's a lot of responsibility for one girl, and I hate that you are burdened with it. The teenage years are hard enough. The good news is that they don't last. You will see these hard years as a time when you grew, learned a lot about yourself and about other people, and you will be grateful. You will grow up; you will be strong; and you will be happy.

Life is going to be so awesome, Meredith. Just wait and see.

With much love,

Meredith at 35

From the Judges:

Wow. 

As I read this, I could hear your voice reciting these words to young Meredith. Every time you repeated her (your) name, I got chills. Right down to the last line, when the tears finally surfaced.

I hope when this is over, you'll let me share this on my blog.
-The Lucky Mom

Wow. This is quite beautiful. Truly beautiful. You speak with such honestly and humor and I can see where your strength comes from as well as your beauty. Brilliant.
-I Need A Playdate

This is amazing. I love that you were able to acknowledge your weakness but at the same time interject a bit of humor to keep the post from being too heavy. This is an excellent post - and the pictures are perfect. I have to admit that I giggled a bit at the second one - I don't know that you could have found a better one to use. Awesome job!
-Non-Stop Mom

-Freetail Therapy

Again, I find it very difficult to critique your writing, Meredith... This. Is. Amazing. Highly introspective without a trace of "woe is me," beautifully written, and inspiring. I know it's not the same thing, but this really resonates with me as a parent of a child with special needs. Aside from one noticeable comma error (hey, I'm a stickler), I'd call this post flawless. You're a fantastic writer. Masterfully done.
-From the Bungalow

Inspiring. It's interesting that you would say that given the choice you would take the little hand. So much of our perceived hardships are really what shapes us. You have a gift with words.
-Daddy's in Charge?

You just made me tear up. I could feel the emotion in this reflective post. I will share this on my blog and page because I know a lot of people need to read this to be encouraged. Such a great post!
-Bay Area Mommy

Great post. Completely agree with the "asshole detector". I once knew a man with a "little hand", and that's how he gauged people. He shook with it, and if they took it without hesitation, they were ok. He gave me a job. :) Nice work, very well written.
-SooperDad Blog of Awesomeness

Perfect! The writing is EXCELLENT, and I LOVE that you acknowledge and appreciate that our weaknesses are often what make us strong. It's probably one of the best lessons we can learn. You really inspired me, and I think this should be required reading for all high school students. Great job.
-Wildflowers & Whimsy

As usual, you blew me away. Amazing. There is so much honesty and vulnerability in this post. I loved every single word. Your little hand could even be thought of as a metaphor for just about anything that makes anyone feel different. I agree that this should be read by the masses. So beautifully written! You are a writer, Meredith. I remember you doubting that in the beginning, but there is no doubt in my mind. One of your best posts ever. Fantastic job! Good luck!
-Pinwheels & Poppies

Wow. This is one of the best posts I may have ever read. So powerful. And at the risk of sounding trite, so interesting. What I mean is, telling people something they probably don't know about you, something you probably rarely share outside of your family and friends, something they may not even think is a thing because they don't know anyone who's gone through it, and telling it so well... that's a gift.
-Daddy Knows Less

On a technical note, I really like the way you set this post up: with each lesson clearly stated.  It made it very easy to read and kept it interesting the whole way throught.

On an emotional note, this was beautiful and inspiring and all of the other things the other judges have already said.  It was sort of phenomenal how your writing conveyed the sense so clearly that your hand defined you (in your younger self) and didn't define you at all (in your older self).  Or maybe it's always defined you, it's just that that definition has shifted so drastically in your own mind.  Anyway... you obviously got me thinking about the depth of your writing...
-The Spaghetti Westerner

All right. You had me tears. Beautiful.
-Mommy in Law

Great post! It's not the typical 'Letter to my younger self' post, but a great twist on it. The only down side I see is that it's not something that a lot of people can relate to, directly anyways. So hopefully that doesn't affect your votes!
-Tessa Taboo

From the Peer Judges:

Probably the best post I have read throughout the entire competition. Very inspiring and full of strength. Fantastic job.
-Manderstanding

I love this: "Life is going to be so awesome, Meredith. Just wait and see." You are a brave and strong person. (I'm pretty sure it's just me now, but I got a little bored with the 'you' or the 'your' starting so many paragraphs.)
-The Mother Freakin' Princess

This should be required reading for all high school students--what a great message. Wonderful post!
-Crazed in the Kitchen

Oh, high school Meredith, I feel for you - for your innocence, insecurity and the challenges that are uniquely yours. But 35 year-old Meredith, I am so proud of you - you are strong, wise and grounded. I wish you two could have met back then, but sometimes, you've got to live it to learn it. Fantastic. Human. Inspiring post.
-Ice Scream Mama

You have more poise, strength and wisdom in your little finger than most people have in their whole ridiculous bodies. That was inspiring, and you are awesome.
-Edward Hotspur