If I were a boy...

Plato once said: Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.

If I were a boy for a day, the very first thing I would do is race to the bathroom and pee standing up. Oh the freedom of it! In fact, I wouldn't stop there. Later, through out the entire day, I would seize the moment (Carpe Diem and all that jazz) and pee in the bushes at the park, write my name in urine in the snow/dirt/dust on the side of a car, pee on an electric fence and all the other awesome things boys can do with their urine. (This is the most essential thing to do as a boy for the day because, trust me on this, girls can't pee standing up, no matter how hard we try. Things get, uh, messy... shifty eyes...)

After I relieve my bladder, I will shower and get dressed in about five minutes and still look amazing. I won't even use conditioner in my hair, because I don't need it. Then I will dry off, throw my towel in a crumpled heap in the corner (because my ever-patient wife will hang it up later) and strut around, watching myself in the mirror. I will grunt and flex my muscles while saying things like "Who's your daddy?" and "Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about." After fifteen to twenty minutes of my incredibly intense he-man routine, I will do to my hair. Blowdryer? Never heard of that. Curling iron? Maybe as a weapon of self defence. For me, a man, I will simply run my fingers through my hair once (combs are for sissies) and I'm good to go.

What to do next? Well, by golly, I will do what any self respecting male would do.... I drive my pimped out convertible around downtown, whistling, cat calling and honking at women. As a woman at heart, I know that this irritates the crap out of girls... but I really want to be on the non-receiving end of it for once. I especially appreciate all the dirty looks the women throw at me. Except for the slightly skanky women who check me out after I holler (pronounced holla!) If only they knew I was a secretly a chick.

At least once during the day I will belch and fart in public (preferably in a large, crowded area, like the food court in a mall, for example, or in a deathly silent meeting at work) and not apologize. In fact, not only will I not be ashamed, but I will laugh loudly, nudge my friends and probably fart a second time, just because I can. I also will, at some point, burp the alphabet while trying to impress a cute girl. Dude, I'm a guy!

Towards the end of the day, I will strip down to just shorts and no shirt, and walk around in flip flops. No shirt, no problem. I won't wear any underwear either. I do, after all, enjoy an unfurnished basement. I will call my friends and go hang out at a bar, openly trying to attract women without playing any games. You, me, bed. I think it sounds like a good idea. Who needs chocolates or flowers or romance? I'll hit on all the women I can find.

On the other hand, maybe I'd be a little more attracted to men. I mean, since I am still a girl at heart, but a boy everywhere else, maybe I should go to a gay bar. That way, I can finally hit on all the gay men I've known who just aren't that into me due to my femininity. Gay men are typically the most thoughtful and good-looking after all. I've always secretly wanted to kiss a gay man. Now is my chance.

When I only have a few hours left, I will go to McDonalds and order two Big Mac meals and eat them in my pimped out convertible, secure in the knowledge that nobody judges a man who buys two Big Mac meals, but if I were doing it as a woman, the cashier would frown and mutter things about my butt as I walked away. I will wipe my hands on my shorts (because real men don't use napkins) and will quite possibly eat the fries without even chewing. Gulp, gulp, swallow, gone.

The final thing on my to-do list as a guy, as the clock nears midnight and my Cinderella man story is coming to a close, I will rush to the nearest Walmart, buy a cheap smiley-face tie that no self-respecting woman would ever be caught dead wearing, and tie it around my still-shirtless neck. I, of course, as a man, will be able to tie this in five seconds and without any issues. The ability to tie a tie, I'm sure, has something to do with the chemical makeup of men. The Y-chromasome does look sort of tie-shaped, doesn't it? And since, as a woman, I will never have this opportunity again, I will tie it, take it off, re-tie it just for fun, and then waltz around the street until midnight, showing off my manly fashion sense.

Seriously... if only I were a boy, even just for a day... :)

You can check out my blog at www.whitneyjboyd.blogspot.com!

And don't forget... Vote Boy! I mean... Boyd!


Judges Comments:

"first, i love the pictures. second, i like how you had a lot of ideas and still kept it easy to follow and entertaining. good job! :) "
Erica, from Good Job Momma

"I like the chronological approach to your day as a man. A virtual play-by-play of what you would do and the reasoning behind it. Well played!"
Random Girl, from Random Girl Blog

"I'll be honest...when I first opened this entry I sighed at how long it was. And then I started reading. And then I started laughing and did not stop! Great job this week! "
T. Rojas, from Motherhood: The Definition of Insanity