Things I Can't Tell My Daughter

www.martinisandminivans.com

My four-year-old daughter thinks I’m perfect.  I can say with complete certainty that she is the only human being on this entire earth that thinks that.  She tells me that I’m beautiful and that I’m the best mommy ever.  She tells me that my hair looks like Princess Belle’s and that my jokes are hilarious.  And my goal is to keep her living those myths and lies for as long as feasibly possible.  

I’m not naïve. I know that once she reaches middle school those beaming looks of adoration she gives me will be replaced with severe amounts of eye rolling.  And one day, she’ll tell me that I don’t understand what it’s like to be a teenager, or that I was never young like her so how could I know anything about what she’s going through.  And I will smile and nod, knowing that there was a world before having her that she never knew existed.

She’ll never know that on my 16^th birthday, I snuck a boy into my bedroom for the first time ever and let him make out with me, not because I liked him, but because I wanted to see what it was like to kiss a boy in my room.   Verdict:  Not so great.  I had to hug him afterwards just to wipe his sloppy saliva off of my mouth.

She’ll never know that I danced on a table for my 21^st birthday after my close friends threw me a child’s birthday party at McDonalds, and then proceeded to vomit all over my boyfriend at the time, his roommate and their dog. Even after three baths, both the dog and myself still smelled of puke.

She’ll never know that in high school, my friends all snuck into Heather Yeil’s basement and watched our first porn to see what it was all about.  I snorted Sprite out of my nose from laughing so hard during the first scene.  Needless to say, since watching it, I can’t look at a pizza delivery man the same way again.

She’ll never know that I lied to my parents to go to the after prom party with a boyfriend they didn’t like.  That I thought I was ready to move past kissing, only to run away and hide for the entire evening.  Once he found me, I had to convince him that it was normal for girls to have their period numerous times a month, so we had to wait for any kind of lingering touching. I only hope that he still doesn’t believe that today. Or maybe, for his wife’s sake, I hope he does.

And she’ll never know that I will have to sit back and watch her make those same memories, mistakes, and mishaps, just like my mother had to watch me do.  And through it all, I will smile and hope that maybe, just maybe, she’ll always believe that I’m the best Mommy out there.  If not, I’m hoping she’ll always believe that I have hair that looks just like Princess Belle's…

Pre-puberty motherly love. I'm savoring every morsel.

To vote one last time for MARTINIS AND MINIVANS, click here.  Thank you so much for reading, voting and your support!

From the Judges:

Great narration. Beautifully written.

I liked the repetitive paragraph opening lines. It gave continuity without making it feel like a list. While it wasn't hilarious-funny, it was lighthearted funny. It left me smiling and happy, so I'd say it fulfilled the requirement for humor.

And again, I like how you return to the reference in the beginning.

P.S. Two of my kids are past puberty, and the third one is approaching, so I can attest that you're spot on with your expectation of having to watch her make her own mistakes. And, yes, the eye rolling. There is much eye rolling.
-The Lucky Mom

This is a well written and humorous post about all the things she would not want to tell her daughter. I don't really get why humor needs be lol. M&M stayed true to her voice and was unique with her delivery. I do think it was lacking in more details that would have probably given some of the judges the laugh out loud experience but sometimes humor is found in the subtle things. Kudos, dear.
-I Need A Playdate

I really really like this post - probably because I can identify with so much of it! I thought that it was great - lighthearted and funny with a great flow. Excellent work!
-Non-Stop Mom

There was porn and deception, so I am good. It was a little mushy for my taste, but the assignment was completed but not done well. The issue is that the assignment was supposed to be aiming for humor, and unfortunately, you just didn't hit that here.
-Freetail Therapy

I'll have to agree with many of the other judges this week. Good post, nice flow, warm and reflective, but nothing laugh-out-loud funny to me. I think maybe you were counting on the short anecdotes to carry the "funny" by virtue of the circumstances themselves, but it felt more like straight narrative than funny storytelling.
-From the Bungalow

I really enjoyed it. Was it something that made me laugh out loud? No. Although I can totally relate to the puking bit, I thought this was a very fun piece.
-Daddy's in Charge?

Love this post! I like how you narrated those memories. But I didn't really think of it as humorous. Or maybe I'm just in a really sentimental mood right now so instead of finding it funny, I found it heartwarming -- which is actually good. But maybe just not in the right category for me.
-Bay Area Mommy

I'll follow suit and say while there were parts that were humorous, it was more reflective, and less humor. Great writing, though.
-SooperDad Blog of Awesomeness

On it's own, it's a good post - well written and it held my attention, but I just don't see the funny. It had potential but just didn't do it for me.
-Wildflowers & Whimsy

This was a well-written post, and I hate to just repeat what the others have said, but it was indeed light-hearted and sweet. It wasn't laugh-out-loud funny, but it didn't have to be to meet the humor criteria. It was humorous, just not funny enough to make me spit anything out onto my computer.
I also took issue with the lack of chronological flow there with the 16 to 21 and then back to high school parts, but that's just me being nit-picky.
Overall, a good post! Good luck!
-Pinwheels & Poppies

This post left me smiling, which is a good thing. If I'm being nitpicky, maybe it wasn't riotously funny. But humor can come in many forms. And here, light-hearted reflection, with a dog covered in vomit on top, does the trick. This kind of post is in my wheelhouse, as you may know. So I really enjoyed it.
-Daddy Knows Less

I didn't think this post was lacking humor.  I thought it was very "in character" for your writing, so I thought it was well done.  I think this post is something most parents can relate to in thinking about their own pasts and their children's futures.
-The Spaghetti Westerner

First, I really hope Heather Yeil's parents aren't reading this. Second, I have to echo the others when I say that this was a GREAT post. Any other week, it probably would have ranked very high. But the humor just wasn't there. There were chuckles, but not enough for me to go 'YES! She brought on the FUNNY!'. Which was pretty much the point of the assignment.
-Tessa Taboo

I liked the way your piece flowed- but only a snicker or two from me- especially the multiple periods part! And it' not impossible for your daughter to think you are the best, even in her teenage years- my 14 year old and I have a wonderful relationship!
-Red Vines & Red Wine

The multiple periods thing sounds like something I would have believed back in the day. Seriously, I was a little on what some call the dull side.

Moving on though, about the post: Wonderfully written. I do love a good reflective piece and way it flowed from intro to finish.

But I was looking for a humor element that just wasn't quite there. There were chuckles, but not quite up to hee haw status.

Great post in all though!
-Live Fight Win

Woman, you were an angel!! Those types of clean stories are the ones I WILL tell my daughter. Lol. Just like everyone else, I enjoyed it. I could relate to the slobbery kisses. Very cute!!
-Mommy In Law

 

From the Peer Judges:

I liked this piece. Warm and touching but with some good, but not big, chuckles. The wife would love this piece, as she shares your same thoughts about our 2 young daughters.
-Manderstanding

I really liked this post. It was funny, yet reflective, and it kept my interest. My only concern was trying to keep the time line straight. Going from 16 to 21 to back to high school was a little non-flowy.
-The Mother Freakin' Princess

I love that your daughter thinks your hair is like Belle's. I'm not even sure that my 4-year-old boy knows that I have hair! I loved your anecdotes--that poor teenage boyfriend. Good job!
-Crazed in the Kitchen

You were obviously a good girl...your bad really wasn't too bad. I laughed about the multiple periods...and about the vomit.
This was light, warm and very sweet. I'm sure your daughter will think your the best mom - after she finishes her teenage years. ;)
-Ice Scream Mama

It was certainly a post filled with reflection. I liked it, it flowed well, and I got booted in the first round. Did I mention that? Okay, anyway, spit, puke, porn and periods - what's not to love?
-Edward Hotspur

Light and funny. I enjoyed this a lot.
-Dad & Buried